Black Friday

This is probably going to sound crazy... Well of course it would, it is coming from me. I often say things that sounds crazy. Black Friday is coming and there are such amazing deals hitting the stores. Just at Walmart alone a bajillion things I need and want are there for amazingly low prices. I would love to get up at three in the morning and go shopping, but.... I am petrified of all the crazy people. I hate when people are mean to me, I will probably cry. That's right... I am crazy, but whatever. So if anyone has any tips, or wants to come with me and protect me, please let me know! Thanks!

So....

So... Obama won... I am not sure if this is a victory or defeat for our nation. I will say, that since I layed my eyes on Barack Obama I knew that he was destined to be our president. What this means for our country, I am not sure. I think that its great that we as a nation created history last night, but was he the better choice? I shouldn't have much of an opinion since I, myself didn't vote. Why you ask. Well it's simply because I was so unsure. Not just a little unsure, but I was completely undecided. I guess it doesn't really matter now, so Congratulations to all those who voted for Obama and supported him. And I am sorry for the McCain lovers. I hope this means greatness for our country! Good luck to us!

call

I lost my phone. It is somewhere in my house, but I can't seem to find it. The last I remember having was on the kitchen counter, and now it is gone... maybe forever. I feel like I am totally lost from the world. And I need to make a bunch of calls, like I have to get Noah in to see a dentist, and I would like to call my mother and see how she is feeling. Not to mention, if someone has called me I would never know. Hopefully nothing tragic happens....
So if you can't get a hold of me, I am not missing, or dead or even avoiding calls, i just can't find my phone... Beautiful

Transitioning....

I have to say, going from stay at home mom, to working mom is quite a change... And its hard. I still have to do all of the stay at home chores, but in less amount of time. I will say that I lost a lot of weight. I don't seem to get a lot of time to just sit down... And my patience for children is very thin. Part of me just wants to quit, but the extra money is beautiful, and my cousin really needs me... If things don't get easier, for ma and the kids, we are going to quit. The aren't adjusting as well as I had hoped, but we'll give them a little longer.... We'll see

Saving

I have recently decided that we need to start saving money. Greg has always been the soul provider for our family and if something were to happen... well we wouldn't have anything.... Not to mention with economy going the way it is, Greg's job may not secure! I mean come on if no one has money. no one is going to be paying anyone to build stuff. So I got a job, it doesn't pay much and I feel like I am barely there, but we'll put most of that money aways to save. But every week I take twenty five dollars out of Greg's check every week. But saving money no matter how little os harder than I thought. First of all, I have a serious shopping problem. If I know that there is money, I spend it. But twenty five dollars isn't really that much. If I save twenty for dollars for a year, that is barely hitting over 1,000 dollars. That's not even a months worth of pay. So hopefully nothing happens to Greg for like five years! Then we might have enough for two months! Anyway I just wanted to express my money frustrations... Well future frustrations. Thanks and I hope everyone else has a better time saving money than I...

Two more days!

Two more days until Halloween.... Yet I'm not really that excited. Noah's costumes aren't really that great. I think tonight we are going to go to Kmart and I am going to let him pick a new one... Unless of course he wants to be Shrek! But I can't imagine that he is going to wear that mask the who;e time, and its too hot for his skunk costume. His puppy one still fits, but its lame.... So to Kmart it is where all costumes are 50% off... Yay for sales! I'm going to be a banana, and Mylee will be a bumble bee. It will keep her warm! Good story... Goodbye

Sickies

My darling little baby, is oh so sick. She woke up around eight o'clock this morning, after going to bed at six thirty last night. She came down stairs and layed on my chest. After drinking some water she went up stairs and layed beside her crib. At nine thirty she went back to sleep. It is now 1:15 and she is still sleeping. I wish there was something I could do for her. She has a bad cough and a low fever. There isn't really anything to do, but I still feel bad. I don't like to be sick, but I suppose its nice to get all of the sleep needed. I don't get to do that! Hopefully she will feel better by tomorrow! Can't call off again!

So close to you
And still so far
Wanting your thoughts
Screaming for words
Small hints
Yet not a clue
Tomorrow nears
And I'm still ost
My soul tortured
Heart empty
Wishing for your love
Praying for your touch
Tomorrow's promises broken
Another lonely day
Getting over you
Being without me

Cuteness

My very good friend Erin hand makes some of the cutest hats I have ever seen. She is ultra talented and amazing! I totally think it is worth checking and she does custom orders if you don't find what you are looking for. You should check out her website. I know you will love it as much as I do! Her website is OliveRoseMaximim's.etsy.com.

Like a single raindrop
Resting on a petal
The purple haze
From a spring sunset
I feel beautiful
Beautiful
Because of the way he looks at me
Beautiful
With every touch I feel
Beautiful
With every tingle
Like a child's first step
Into his mother's arms
Every kiss
Amazing as the first
And I still feel beautiful

Stories and blogging

For as long as I can remember, without any exaggerating, I wanted to be a writer. From the time I could put sentences to together I've written short stories, and poems, a journal, and even stabbed at a few novels. I love to write, and to read. Words were my life. Paper... Oh the wonder of it. I could look at a blank piece of paper and feel excited for what was about to come. I love to think of things to say, to write them down, to go over it and write it in a better way, and then I became a mother. Slowly I lost my self, and everything that made me me, in being a mother. I spent so much time trying to be a good mom and wife, that I no longer was me. I could remember what it was like to be me, but that's all it really was... a faint memory. And with that loss, I also lost my inspiration, almost my ability to write. I'd take a stab at it every so often, but always felt like there was so much room for improvement. I had nothing to say. Or should I say, I lost my abilty to find the right words. I felt like a stranger to my words.
Then I began to blog, and though I don't write that often, or even that well, it makes me feel a little better. I'm starting to get into the swing of things. I've read two books. I've written a few things, I'm starting to feel like, maybe if I try a little harder I might be able to make my dream of being a writer a realty. So I thank you to my faithful blog readers.... (Erin, Cassie, and Fawn) For letting me clumsly write down dumb stuff! You are the best!

Birthing

March 28, 2005. Thirty pounds heavier, three days over due, and ankles that were ready to pop, I opened the front door to the building that holds my future in the palm of its hands, and wobbled down the hall. Pressing the buttons on the rattling elevator, I began sweating in agony. I just wanted it to be over, to regain my life, my body, my mind. I just wanted to move on with my life, and get back to being normal. `
When they called my name I couldn't help but wish that they would tell me today would be the day. Of course I knew that it was wishful thinking, but who could blame a girl. After I stood on the scale with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat, wondering how someone with a size five figure could almost weigh two hundred pounds after nine months, the midwife rudely asks, "Did the nurse step n the scale with you?" Horrified I let this woman proceed to check my cervix for dilation, and go on about how much weight I've gained and how bloated I am. I then find out that I have toxemia....
Soon the midwife finishes insulting me and asks me if there is any reason I should go home. Not being able to think of anything other than the giant love card I was making for my boyfriend, I said. "No." "Then let's have this baby!"
Hearing those words was like every Christmas, birthday, Halloween, first kiss, and bear hugs all in one. Only better. Finally this baby was coming out. All of the fears of child birth I had previously had disappeared, now all I felt was excitement. I couldn't wait to meet my son, I couldn't wait to not Be pregnant, I couldn't wait to start my family with the love of my life.
I registered and waited for Greg. Eating my last meal until after birth, I remembered how horrible this was about to be. All I wanted now was to go back ten months and tell myself not to be so stupid. I mean I spent twenty two years not getting pregnant was I so ignorant this year? I'm not ready to be a mom. I can't even take care of myself. I am selfish, and I like it. I had no desire to improve myself, I was happy with the person I was, prior to conceiving.I began to realize how bad of an idea it really was for two people who just started adulthood, to have a baby. But it was to late. What could I do about it now... "Would someone please give me a Valium and a sleeping pill"
Of course I couldn't have a Valium, however I could have some cerviadil, to thin out my cervix, and a sleeping pill. Three o'clock in the morning I began to get this weird cramps. I just kept thinking if I could pass gas at least once, my stomach would feel so much better. And enters the nurse. "Looks like you are having some good ones" "Good what?" I replied. "Contractions" The next thing I know I am flipped on my side and getting a shot in my ass... Apparently passing out immediately, I wake up to Greg's alarm clock and tell him to go to work. After all the doctor said it would probably be hours before I gave birth. Them again she told me that it was unlikely that i would go into labor on my own, without pitocin, but what did I know, i was just having a baby, she's delivered hundreds.
My mother and father stayed with me, while my contractions grew. Around ten thirty Susan baker, yet another midwife, sending my parents away, decided to break my water. With no warning aside from, "you'll feel gushing fluid" I most certainly did feel a gush of fluid, but unaware that it would be so warm it almost burnt. Alarmed I asked if it should feel that way, and of course as they laughed at me under there breathe I was told that everything was alright and asked if I wanted to use the hot tub.
I layed in the hot tub in a hospital gown. Jets blowing against my back and sides. With every growing contraction the sound of voices made me sick to my stomach. Daddy wouldn't come in; thinking he would have to see me naked, but for the first time in my life, I really needed and wanted his support. So with fear in his eyes then relief on his face after discovering I was with apparel, he came in and kept me company with my mom. Contractions came and went, grasping the side rails I decided to beach myself. After all, I was hungry, nauseous, in pain, tired, and now hot. I was ready to go lay down. My parents went outside to have cigarettes, because apparently my labor was stressing them out! Walking down the hall with strong contractions every two minutes took me about a half an hour.
When I finally got to my room, the nurse asked if I wanted something to ease the pain. I was under the impression that this would get worse and last awhile so I said no. But the next thing I remember my head was feeling heavy and I felt like I drank three bottles of whiskey. At first I thought it was cool, but after my next contraction I just wanted to throw up and have someone turn it off.
Eleven o'clock came and the nurses informed me that if I wanted the babies dad to be there for the birth I had better give him a call? What? They told me I had at least twenty four hours, we need that money. But I did as I was told, and soon after began to prep for an epidural.
Ahhh, epidurals. What a heavenly aide. I know that many women out there give birth and never even think of having drugs, but I am no hero, why do it if you don't have to.
The epidural was in and not really knowing what to expect, (I lied and said I read the paper saying what to expect, I knew if I read it I would chicken out) I layed back, and prepared to see my contractions and not feel them... Well, the contraction came, and of course, because this is the life of Liz, I felt nothing..... On the left side of my body. On the right I felt everything. I rang for the nurse and asked if that was normal. "No!!! (you moron, she implied)" It wasn't.
I asked why this had happened. It was explained to me that it couldn't have been the anesthesiologists fault, it had to be because my back is crooked, but they would soon correct my mistake! The man with the needle came back in my room to adjust. After pulling it out, he had to re due the hole procedure again. Feeling pretty good due to my stadal, I preceded to hit on the man. I told him he was good looking and asked if he was married, and then glancing to my right, MY man walked int o the room. To drugged up to feel embarrassed I told Greg, I was hitting on the anesthesiologists, he smiled and laughed nervously. (I don't think he believed me)
Everyone, my mom, my dad, my mom's friend, and my sister came back into the room.The nurse checked my cervix and told me I was dilated to a six.Completely exhausted I looked up at my mommy and smiled. Closing my eyes I drifted into what would be the last peaceful moment of my life, for years to come. Twenty minutes later at about 2:45 p.m. I woke up. I felt this weird urge... Not exactly and urge, but like my vagina was already working to get this baby out, without my knowledge or permission. I called for the nurse and she came in, unwilling to believe that I was already at a ten when twenty minutes ago I was a six.
As nurse Sharon's head peaked up,from out of my legs, I gasped noticing the blood on her hands. I was indeed a ten, well technically a 9.75. I was informed that if I tried to push now I would be there for hours, so to hang tight and the midwife would be sure to come. As the nurse started to leave I began to ring the bell. This baby was coming with or without their help, and I didn't seem to have any control over it. They got the room ready immediately and the midwife showed up.
The next twenty minutes were a blurr. I remember them telling me to push and as I would push everyone kept saying, "That's it. That's it" Leaving me with the impression that I got the enormous head that felt like it was going to tear me apart out of my vaginal walls. That was not the case. Upon hearing the news that I wasn't even close to finished, I yelled, "Then everyone needs to shut the fuck up!" Then Greg did it. He rubbed the leg he was holding at my head, with his thumb. I though his touch was going to make me vomit. I looked at him with red eyes and a green face, "Don't touch me" Searching for the barf bucket, my retarded baby's dad moved again, he dropped my leg, and all I heard was my mother's very powerful voice, yell sternly, "pick up her leg you retard." (Poor Greg didn't have a chance)
As I finally pushed the last few pushes, and yelling, "Get this baby out of me NOW" He plopped right out. Greg looked down and said, "Oh my God" He was here. Our baby boy.
Here's the part where every mother says things like, "They put my amazing gift on my belly and I cried with joy. My heart was immediately filled with love as I looked at my beautiful baby boy. From that moment I felt an internal instinct and loved him so much" Well I am not every mother. That just wasn't the case for me. They put my baby on my belly all wrinkled and covered in mung. His eyes were huge and wide open and they were as black as night. His nose was swollen and crooked, It looked huge. He was purple and had virtually no fat on his entire body. He was not beautiful and I did not feel a connection. I did cry but I was glad it was over. I will say that I loved him, I just wasn't connected.
They took him away and told I could see him after I get to my room. After kicking everyone out, I got cleaned up. I took a shower and put on my "after birth" diaper, and went to my room. My legs were swollen, my cankles were sore, and my feet were so big that my once slender long toes, looked like little fat sausages. The pediatrician came into the room were me and our family were waiting to see the new life that scared the crap out of me, and told us that we couldn't see him, because he had to be on oxygen, due to extra fluid in his lungs. But the father and the grandparents could go see him. I had to wait for the epidural to be taken out of my back before I could go anywhere!
The next three days were long. I wanted my baby, but appreciated the rest I was getting. When I finally got to hold Noah I cried. I felt so many emotions.. I felt scared, nervous, I didn't even know this kid, but was supposed to feel connected. And so the guilt began.
I later found out that I had a severe case of post partum depression. And a month or two later I began to adore Noah. But it was a rough couple before I did... And that note I will leave with the understanding that I still adore Noah, he's my light. My once in a lifetime. I feel so connected now. And I will write about my fight against the post partum depression, but I would like to leave this as his birth and nothing more!

Blah

I get so tired of things being hard. So tired of life really. Why does every decision have to have so many options. Why can't things ever be simple. Today, I am tired. Tired of drama, tired of decisions, tired of arguments and difficult relationships, (I'm not talking about me and Greg for the record) Tired of people back stabbing one another, tired of people not caring for their children the way they should, tired of denial, tired of lies, of conflict.
Is there ever a point in life when things just happen? Are some people's lives just meant to be rough? What lesson are we supposed to learn and why doesn't life come with some sort of manual... I guess it does. The bible. Aren't we suppose to turn to prayer? Why doesn't God give neon signs that flash big pink lights? I am always questioning my choices. How do you ever know what is right?
Tired if that thought, tired of no real answers... I am even tired of spongebob. Tired of monotony. Tired of low self esteem, tired of the whole bit. BLAH!

YIKES

So I have just been informed by my sensitive husband that I change my looks too much. I always thought that it would make life a little more interesting, but Greg says no. He says I need a f-ing hobby. So I reach out to all of my blog readers, (I know there is like a handful, but whatever) I would love to have some suggestions for a hobby. I suppose having a hobby could be really good for me too. I mean it could give something to do aside from being a mom and wife, There are so many days when I wake up and scream for something new. Honestly, when did life become so monotonous? Let's face it, after a certain point nothing new happens, you wake up to the same face, in the same bed. You eat the same foods, clean the same mess. Go to the same job, drive the same car. Got to bed, and do the same again. I don't care who you are, how happy you claim to be. Everyone gets bored sometimes.. So I guess a hobby would be a great thing... I f I could think of something!

Parenting

Parenting... There are so many different types of parents, and ways of parenting. Which is the right way? I like to think that my way is the right way, but what parent doesn't. When does parenting start? In theory it would be nice to think that it started the moment of conception, however, it really doesn't, because you don't even know. So let's go ahead and say it starts the moment you find out you are going to bring a child into the world. What's the next step? After the initial shock, the first step should be to do whatever it takes to make sure this baby is going to be healthy. That means, call the doctor, quit smoking, take the vitamins, go to your appointments... Stop being selfish and realize that you are now in charge of a new life. Not just any life, but a life that you created. A helpless life that you created. By accepting this huge realty you then accept the fact that your life should no longer be about you, but about this new life. I think that what you are willing to give up and do while pregnant reflects hugely on the type of parent you are going to be... that is not to say that people don't change later, but I think that for the most part people don't. If you still smoke a pack of cigarettes a day regardless to how badly it will effect your child, pretty much shows that you are still incredibly selfish. Which is okay. It's okay to be selfish, I suppose that is just another type of parenting.
Then the baby comes and your entire world changes, or at least should. All of sudden you are responsible for another life. There is no ignoring this problem. Now some parents get lucky and get a lot of help, but most parents are on their own. Which can be so trying. I don't know about everyone in the world, but from my own experiences the newborn phase is the worst. Not necessarily the hardest. Just the worst. Sleep deprived, hungry, scared, confused. No matter how smart you are or thought you were, you suddenly feel clueless. You are taking care of a complete stranger and it is totally natural to not like this person sometimes but due to so many "I was in love instantly" stories, you begin to feel guilty, because you don't adore your crying, hungry, pooping baby all of the time. It is so hard to constantly care for something that absolutely needs you. I mean make no o mistake. This tiny little person, would not make it a day without. It should make you feel proud and important, but it should also make you scared, because the fear is what is going to keep you from screwing it up.
Then there is the toddler age. But his time you are really getting to know your baby. You love her. He or she has a personality, and are starting to get into things. So the question arises again. What kind of parent do I want to be? There's tough love, There's spoiling, how do I discipline. I mean there are so many questions. There are a few certainties, that regardless of the child or the parent, there are some things: love, support, strength, guidance, discipline, hugs, kisses for boo-boos, structure, beliefs, morals. It's simple. The best way to be a parent, I believe, is too never think that you are the best. To give them love, but always know that there is room for improvement. Always try your hardest. I think that if you do that and again make sure that each child knows they are special and that you love them, then no matter what kind of parent you are, it should be okay! Thanks again for letting me express my opinion in lovely manner I always do!

PAIN

SO it's 1:30 am on, well I guess Weds. morning. That's right... Twenty six years old and can't sleep because my legs hurt. I never had a lot of pain problems before having children, and two pregnancies later, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. I've seen the doctor for it and she wasn't really any help. the onl thing I can think of aside from taking narcotics, is trying to see a chiropracter. I mean really aren't I too young to have pain problems? And yet, here I am wide awake and yet exhausted because of my legs. This is absolutely ridiculous. I feel like I am a hundred years old. My body is deteriating.
There are days that my back hurts soo bad that I can't hold my kids. I don't know what to do anymore... (I think I might be getting delirious... I don't function well without sleep)
All I can do is think about how in just a few short hours, my kids will be awake and I will have to forfeit any chance of aleep, and yet, I still get get there! I wonder now if I should just stay up and clean. At least then when I don't move off of the couch except for necesseties.
Well now that I have complained more than I think I ever have before! So ... While you all are resting peacefully in your bed, I am going to get a head start on some dishes and maybe make my husband some breakfast! If you don't hear from me later it's because I am zombified.
Have a nice sleep!

So much good

You know it's so weird how there is something good to be found in every situation. I know that it is hard t find at times. Especially when something horrific is happening in the moment, but it's true. My most recent example of this is my new Great friend, Erin. You see, recently a friend of mine had informed me that another friend of mine had "supposedly" said and done some horribly crazy things about me. And out pf that situation, though I was hurt, came out something great. A really good friend.
So to you new friend, I have to say, I am really glad that I was bashed, and I really am glad that we are friends. You make me laugh daily, and your kids are so much fun! I love your family and I am so glad to be able to know all of you. Not to mention, Elijah is super cool! And he loves my kisses!
I also would like to take this time to point out that I am really corny, but my mom always raised me to make sure that the people I love know how I feel. That way God forbid something happen someday everyone know just how I felt. I try to live my life by that rule... Well all kinds of rules really, but that is one of them.
And moving on, let's talk about some other people in my life that mean alot to me... Fawn, though we are classic opposites, we still somehow work out. I don't know what I would do without you, and can barely remember my life before you. Your kids are amazing and I love Joe too. You guys inspire me to be a better family. You remind me everyday to let the little things go, and to always love my husband. I love that you can't hold a grudge. I even love that you won't let your kids get dirty, but I notice you loosening up when it comes to those things and I love that too...
Cassie... What can I say... I love that you know when to leave me alone, and when not to. You know me in and out, and its just because you are observent. You can read me like a book and I always know that you got my back. You are never afraid to tell me that I am an asshole and you always support every decision, even if you don't agree with it. You are an awesome friend, and I am lucky to have you. I love Dustin and you the kids, (Even though Delaney gets too close to Greg sometimes) I even love when Delaney gets sad because I didn't say goodbye the right way. I hope that you know, I will always be here, to help you anyway I can.... If you need me!
And I would like to make sure that I recgonize my mom. The absolute most amazing person I have ever known. Keep fighting.. I need you and can't even imagine life without you. You are my truest best friend, my absolute soul mate. I know that this life will not be the end of our journey, but I still value each moment of it. I can always count on you. No matter what. I love to be around you, you make me laugh and cry and feel good and angry and give me so much love that only a mother, best friend , sister could do. You've walked with me through every trial I have faced throughout my life, and gave the ability to come out on top. You taught me how to love, laugh, care, cry, change... so many things, You gave me faith in God and showed me what it means to be a good person. I would have been lost and am so glad I had you as a mother to guide me through life. I love you mom, and I hope you keep fighting....
I don't want to forget to mention my amazing husband and beautiful kids, but they won't read this, so I don't think it matters. I gush about them enough, I am pretty sure everyone knows how I feel!
Well if I didn't mention you don't think I don't love you. I am sure that there will be future blogs with my weirdness soon. So Erin I'm so glad we are getting to know eachother, Fawn you are fantastic and I love you, Cassie... You are the bomb, and Momma, you are the best and so amazing! I love you guys!

'

Do you realize

"Do you realize... That you have the most beautiful face??
Do you realize... We're floating in space???
Do you realize... That happiness makes you cry???
Do you realize... That everyone... you know... someday... will die?
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes let them know you realize that time goes fast. It's hard to make the good things last. Realize the sun doesn't go down, it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning 'round.

Do you realize???
Do you realize... That everyone... you know... someday... will die?
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes let them know you realize that time goes fast. It's hard to make the good things last. Realize the sun doesn't go down, it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning 'round.

Do you realize... That you have the most beautiful face?
Do you realize???"

That's a song by the Flaming Lips... It's on my soundtrack and one of my favorite songs in the world. I think it is great!

Poem for Noah

Angel Eyes
And your class clown ways
I couldn't have dreamt you more perfect
So much love
And God's good grace
I couldn't have asked for anything better
My love for you....
There are no words
To express this awesome emotion
Just getting to know you
Makes me so lucky
My heart is over flowing
Never forget
The lessons taught
To prepare for being a man
Value each moment
And every beautiful day
That the Lord keeps blessing you with
Be happy with the love you gave
Your spirit and you brains
You'll never need for anything
If your faithful anf love with all of your heart

Fawn wanted me to post this

How did you and your number 2 become friends?
We had babies around the same time


How late did you stay up last night and why?
11:00.. I watched a movie and made a baby


What's the connection between you and the last person you texted?
I'm pretty sure it was my sister

Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a J?
yes


Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Fawn


To send you a myspace message?
Erin


Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
mine


Ever kissed anyone of opposite sex?
yes


What are you doing tomorrow?
No plans


Do you like to cuddle?
yes

What are your plans for this weekend?
playing with Erin's kids.... and hanging out with my man


Whats your hair look like today?
probably the same way it looks everyday


Did you ever lose a friend?
yes



What are you doing right now?
this survey, and eating the turnovers I just made

Ever go camping?
yes... I love it


Are you someone's best friend?
yes

Do you have a dog?
no

Do you like birds?
sort of

Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
Noah following me around making stupid noises


Have you spoken to your mother today?
yes


What color is your hair?
Blonde and brown

When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings?
last night

Have you ever thought you liked someone, and then found out that you really didn't?
oh yes

Where were you an hour ago?
Making the kids breakfast and feeding Mylee hers


Do you have any tattoo/piercings?
yes both


Do you drink water?
yes


Do you fall for people easily?
yes


When is the next time you will see number 1 on your top friends?
In a few hours :)

What are you listening to right now?
SpongeBob Square pants


Is it easy for others to make you feel awkward?
not really


Are you too forgiving?
Definetly

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
Maybe

Do you care if people hate you for no reason?
I pretend I don't but it really does bother me... A little bit anyway


Did you have any unread text messages this morning when you woke up?
nope


Your ex REALLY needs you at 3am & you have a way to their house would you go?
I guess it depends on what he needed, but probably

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
It happens daily


What was the last thing you cried about?
I snuck into each kids bedrooms to hold them while they were sleeping, and I cried because they are so beautiful and amazing. Then I went to bed and watched Greg for a litlle and cried for the same reason.



How do you feel about the last person that posted this survey?
I like her


Last person you blocked on MySpace?
I don't even know how to do that


Do you have a friend you can tell stuff to and your sure they won't tell anyone?
yes, Cassie...


Who did you hangout with last night?
Aubrie, becasue it was her birthday... She's such a big girl...


How many hours did you sleep last night?
about ten


Have you ever cried while in the shower?
yeah... that's my favorite place to cry


Could you go a day without eating?
yes... But who wants too

Do you know anyone that smokes pot?
yeah


Do you smoke weed regularly?
Ahh, I kicked that habit when I decided to have babies


Is there someone you want to fight?
No, I'n not a big fighter

Do you believe in true love?
yes




When was the last time you were disappointed?
I don't know.... I'm sure it wasn't that long ago.
I bounce back pretty easily


Do you miss your past?
sometimes, I miss the freedom, but I wouldn't trade what I have now for anything


What are you doing today?
Going to my mom's, laundry, baking, dishes, cleaning the kids rooms, hopefully the living room, and cooking dinner.
Then I will goof off until bed time



Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
I heard that somewhere




What is the last thing you thought about?
money, Noah's school, Mylee's laugh, Erin and her kids. Paxton.. I think about a lot of things all at once... I'm very complexed


Honestly, has anyone ever seen you in your underwear?
yes



Honestly, if you could go back 5 months and change something would you?
5 months... There really isn't anything to change.... Maybe I would save some money



Do you regret ever letting someone go?
That's tough... i regret the way I handled letting Dan Vavro go. He was awesome and I was sucky... Now he doesn't like me.... I regret that...


Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
Yep... lots


Is there anybody you wish you could be with right now?
no... not really....


Do you know anyone in the military currently?
I do


Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
oh yeah

What is the last thing you put into your mouth?
cherry turn over

Do you believe ex's can be friends?
yes, sometimes

Do you regret doing anything this past week?
no

Another night
Another day
Waking to the same old face
No regrets
Tomorrow's gone
My love for you
Still lingers on
Forever and Always
I'll want you near
My life is for you
Should be so clear
You won't need to want
Sower you
With all of my heart
God has blessed us
That much we know
Say you'll stay
Because I will never go!

That's one of the first poems I have written since Noah was born, so I am really rusty, but what can I say, I felt a little inspired. Hopefully it's not too awful...

GREG

Saturday, January 3, 2004 my good friend, Amy, and I went to Mardis Gras. A bar that was on Main Street. After having quite a few drinks, Jason Foster and some kid I went to school with, walked up the stairs. Feeling pretty good I ran up to Foster and hugged him, and the boy said, "What no hug for me?" It was the beginning of a very interesting relationship.
Under false identification, our first date was the next day. Thinking that this guy's name was Joe Toner, I told my mom and my friends, about the date I had with this pretty cute guy. After a lot of arguing, that his name was not Joe, I called and got his voice mail... His name was Greg. We went n our date and barely talked.... Well he barely talked, I never stopped.
When he went to drop me off, he started to talk a little more, so I invited him into our house. I mean hey, it was January, and rather chilly in the car. So we watched Eddie and the Cruisers and Greg sat on the complete opposite of the couch. Not thinking he was interested I told him he needed to leave so that I could go to bed. I walked him to the door and he turned around and gave me the most amazing kiss that literally knocked me off my feet. With a dumb grin on my face, I watched him walk to his car thinking, "I am going to spend the rest of my life with him." And went to bed.
Little did I know that I actually would. The next six months were a blurr of late nights, long days, and amazing and quick love. After three months we were planning a wedding and looking for a place to live. We went on trips, I introduced him to my family. It moved very fast. Thenc during one of my obsessive pregnancy testing, I got a positive result.
Heart pounding and mind whirling I called Greg into the bathroom where i handed him the plus sign on a peed stick. Disbelief and then a slow grin crossed his face. Not knowing how I yet felt, I punched him, and immediately ran outside.
The next nine months were.... emotional. Greg and I immediately moved into together and tried to be adults. Neither one of us actually knowing what it meant to live on our own. We soon realized that we barely knew eachother, and that we had completely different ideas of what living and parenting should be like, but we loved eachother. Things were hard, there was no questioning that. We struggled to stay together, to stat afloat.
And then he came. Beautiful Noah Francis Toner. The love of my life, and Greg knew it. Greg then spent the next two years competing with Noah for my attention and affection, and he always lost. We fought passionately. We loved even more. We broke up and made up too frequently. And little by little we got better at being responsible, better at being parents, and better at fighting.
So one day out of the blue, we decided to get married. Three months,and a wedding cancellation later, we tied the knot. The wedding was beautiful. Full of tears. Greg was the first to cry and it was as magical as every girl dreams of. The reception was fun and I couldn't keep my eyes, arms, and lips off of my husband. It was amazing.
Shortly after, we got pregnant again. Things were going well and we felt like we were on top of the world. Then Greg had a "meltdown" He wasn't sure that was life he wanted to live. I'm sure everyone feels that wat from time to time, but Greg took it to extremes. I thought our marriage was truly over. I figured out ways to take care of my family on my own, to provide the best life I could, while trying to understand how Greg could change his mind. Oddly enough I did understand. We sort of got shoved into this life, and its scarey to have to take care of so many lives. I understood more than he thought I did.
Then one day Greg remembered why he wanted that life. Why he wanted to be a dad and a husband. Though I was in disbelief, I owed it to him, to my children and to God, to at least try to work things out. After all I made a commitment. So Greg spent a month trying to prove himself to me and to Noah. I still wasn't being a fool, and didn't trust him completely. I wasn't sure that there was anything left of our marriage to save.
Then she came. Mylee Sharon Toner. Our angel. The minute she was born, she completed our family. Greg's been a changed man ever since, and though he still fights for my attention at times, I try hard to make him feel important too. Everyday I am thankful for all of the second chances we have gotten. All of the love we feel. Our beautiful children who have helped to keep us together, who have given us reason to change. I am thankful for an amazing husband who tries hard to keep us happy, and is always willing to change.
Today I can't keep my eyes off of him. I stare at him while he sleeps. eats. watches T.V. I think he's beautifully amazing. I have never felt the way I do about Greg. For the first time in a long time, I know we can make it. I know that God had a plan for us, and we work our asses off trying to follow that plan. He amazes me, in every way. I can't wait to grow old with him. To spoil our grand children.
Don't get me wrong, we have lots of fights, but we are really better now. Things aren't always easy, and we struggle to be nice. We are both too sarcastic, too emotional, and take things too personally. But there are no doubts that we have a lot of love. I'm glad I picked Greg, or God picked Greg for me. I am glad we got pregnant and married and pregnant again. I am glad that we have broken up, and made up, and hated and loved. I have no regrets about our relationship, because it is amazing. Our love is amazing. It might not be romantic enough for a great love story, but its ours.

Whoops!

I know I talk a lot about Noah, I guess it's because I have known him longer, but I want to take a minute to talk about how much i enjoy Mylee too. Because I do, I love her so much! I do have to admit that I was never a big baby person. I am only interested in them for about ten minutes and then I want to move on! I think toddlers and preschoolers are way more fun. Then when they are about six, I don't like them anymore. Now there are exceptions to this rule. Obviously the kids on my life that I already love are still loved when they turn six, but for the most part I find that I have less patience, maybe because I think they should start acting their age.
Now that I have fully described just how messed up my mentality is, I want to talk a bit about my beautiful little girl. Mylee Sharon Toner. Named after the most amazing person I know in my life... My mother. Mylee is quiet, but don't be fooled, because she is just as weird as, well, me. She loves to eat and is always pushing herself to do new things. Like standing up in the middle of the floor at eight months. Or trying to walk. She has the weirdest sense of humor I have ever sen on a baby. She laughs at me when I yell at her, and laughs when the wind blows in her face. Every morning I go into her room, peaking around the door, to find her standing in her crib, laughing and bouncing. I pick her up and we hug for a good five minutes, or until she pinches me.
She's tiny, as far as average size goes. Still wearing mostly 3-6 months clothes, but has the biggest Italian thighs I have ever seen. We spend the bulk of our day singing and dancing, or sometimes I hold her really close to my chest and roll around on the floor. She thinks that is hilarious!
When she was born, she wasn't a big cuddler. Since then I have done everything in my power to make that untrue. I hold her close and hug and kiss her every single chance I get. And every time it is so magical and amazing that I close my eyes, pinch a tear off, and thank God for the chance of being a mommy; for giving to beautiful healthy children; to give me a great husband to share in parenthood; and then I make sure that I am thankful for that moment. And no matter what I am doing I stop and take the time to just relish in cuddling her. I hold her and kiss her, and love her, for as long as she will let me. If we are getting into the car at walmart, if we are standing in the diaper isle. No matter where we are.
I love to kiss her feet, even though they almost always stink like sweat, and she wraps her toes around my nose? Her smile... Oh It's the best one I have seen yet! She melts my soul everytime she does it. When she laughs really hard it's completely unflattering and unlady like, but it always makes me laugh!
So even though I do use Noah as an example way more often than I do Mylee, it's not because I have favorites. I love my kids both. In very different ways, but still more than I could have ever imagined loving anything. The decision to have Mylee was one of the best ones I have ever made. She completed our family, and in a lot of ways saved it from disaster. She's a miracle, and when she was picked for our family by God's amazing hands, he blessed us with an angel. I truely do "have angel" The next few paragraphs is a song that I have dedicated o Mylee. I sing it everyday to her, and definetely believe in everything it says. She really is our angel!

Angel... by Jack Johnson
"I have an angel. She doesn't wear any wings. She wears a heart that could melt my own, she wears a smile that could make me want to sing. She gives me presents, with her presence alone. She gives me everything I could wish for, she gives me kisses on the lips just for coming home. She could make angels. I've seen it with my own eyes. But you got to be careful when you got good love, because angels will just keep on multiplying. But your so busy changing the world, just one look and you could change all of mine. We share the same soul!"
I love my baby girl so much!

So tired

So Tired! I feel like I haven't slept in about a thousand years. Every night I go to bed exhausted, and think that I am going to get a great nights sleep, then my legs start to hurt, my hips feel out of place, then a million thoughts begin to whirl in my head. How are we going to survive, as far as money goes. I mean honestly, I don't know very many people who are living the way they used to, with all of the prices rising. I worry that in a few years we won't be able to eat. I even lay awake thinking about how someday Noah isn't going to want to cuddle me someday, or he's going to be on his own in the world, and will he make the right decisions; will he follow the life God planned out for him, will he try drugs, or worse yet will he be a drug addict. Will he wait a reasonable time before haing sex, will he be a teen parent. Will Mylee have self respect, and love herself enough to be a leader. Will she not care about what the is cool. I wonder if they will stay true to themselves, if they will confide in me. And even worse, what can I do to assure that my children are the best people they can be.
I worry about Austin, and Sebastian. Cage and Serenity. I worry about my mother and her health, about how I am going to survive when someday she is taken away from me in this life. Then I worry about having the health issues she suffers from, and giving it to my children. I worry if I am letting the people in my life know that I love them enough! Am I being a good enough person. Will I get into heaven. Is the end of the world coming, Am I a good enough christian, who should I call tomorrow to touch base with them. Why am I letting some of my friendships fizzle. How am I going to get my house clean so if my grandmother in law stops by I don't have to listen to her ridicule? How do I make Greg feel better about his mother having a baby? Does Greg really know how much I love him. Am I a good wife, friend, mother? I should be a better sister. Should I get a job? How can I work and take care of my kids. Is it fair to them. Should I go back to school. Noah needs jeans and Mylee doesn't have any fall clothes the right size. What am I going to do about Christmas.
And the list goes on.... I have always been a worrier, but lately it seems to be taking over my life. I can't sleep and when I do I have nightmares
. Don't get me wrong I also spend alot of my time giving thanks for the amazing people and things in my life. I pray and try to give my problems to God. I just wanted to complain, and now that I have... I feel a little better. Just a little, but better! Thank you!

New Exercise Program

So I haven't been doing so well on my slim fast plan, however I still seem to be losing weight. Not a ton, but still losing none the less. I started a new exercise program called.. Thirty two days of loven'.
I hear that concemating burns 1,000 calories everytime. So if I added that to slim fast plan, wowzer.
Not only am I losing a little weight, but I also feel better about myself. I feel more attractive, I sleep a little better. (not much) I have something beside going to sleep to look forward to, and my husband is happier which in return, makes our lives more enjoyable! And I have to say, I feel closer and more connected to Greg. I don't seem to be as stressed out, and the more that I actually do it, the more I enjoy it. I used to think about it and then think, I am way too tired, but now then I think about it I go for it!
I just thought that I would share, and maybe you guys would like to try it. Who knew a simple act could be the cause of some many wonderful feelings! Hope every husband is feeling as lucky as mine is about to! :)

Kids

I find myself not knowing what to expect from my children. I want them to be children to have fun, and at the same time I want them to act properly and behave. So where is the boundaries. I find that there are a lot of people out there in the world who yell at the kids all of the time. And then say things like, 'He just never listens" Maybe there are too many rules! So he's running around in circles or dumping sand in his hair.. Kids have to have fun. They can't have so many rules. Put yourself in their positions. If you couldn't do anything you wanted ever, wouldn't you break some rules too.
But then there is the flip side. Where parents just let their kids do whatever they want, because it's easier than yelling or getting up to deal with it.
Parenting is by far the most difficult job there is. You never know what's right and wrong. You don't get to see the finished product until it is too late to do anything about it. The only thing you can do is your best, listen to advice, apply it, and remeber that there is ALWAYS room for improvement. There is no such thing as the perfect parent. and just because you are doning something wrong doesn't make you a bad parnt, as long as you are willing to correct and learn. If you think your kid is brat chances are everyone else does too. And they probablty have for awhile.
The most important thing is making sure they know that you love them, that you will protect them, and always back them up. Cherish them, they shouldn't be a burden, they were a gift! Have fun with them. Never be too grown up to have a good time! Sometimes Noah and I shove pillows up our shirts and run into each other, like sumo wrestlers. Or the other day we all got on a crib mattress and slid down the stairs. We dance silly, even in the grocery store, and no matter what we are doing I take the time to hug him, if that's what he wants. Now I know that not every body is as weird as I am, but I take the time to actually hang out with my kids, everyday. And by all means I am not perfect. I neglect my house work. I let Noah watch way too much t.v. Some days all we eat all day are potato chips and cereal. I let Noah where his snow boots to school with shorts, ( or his cowboy boots these days.) But I love him, and I nurture the person he is. I try hard not to push him to be anything but who he is, I will spend all day hugging him if i could, and listening to him laugh makes my heart melt. I take time out of each day to play with just Mylee so she know she is special too. My kids are spoiled, and I still carry Noah, because Its a way to sneak in some hugs. I guess I am trying to say, have fun, and love your kids. Be amazed in every way by them. Slide down the stairs, dance with your arms flapping, enjoy every moment!

Mylee is so sweet

So Miss Mylee... What can I say? She was born on Dec. 10, 2007, so she is fairly new, however, the minute she was born I felt connected, which I can't honestly say for Noah. I felt like our souls have been connected for millions of past lives! I recognized her immediately. From day one she was an eater! A half an hour after birth she ate two ounces of formula, and never slowed down! She was always clam and relaxed. At first she didn't really like to be held, and just after three weeks she started sleeping through the night!
Now she crawls and cruises and just yesterday she stood up on her own, twice! She loves to sing and dance, and she always has a smile! I imagine that the more she's able to actually say, she will love to tell stories. She is smart, and silly. I can't imagine a dull moment together!
I love my little sweet face.

An X-rated bust

First let me just explain that all I have been thinking about lately is.... "Marital relations." Day and night. I seem to be obsessed with it, which is extremely odd, since a week ago I would do whatever it took to avoid it! So last night my mother took the kids over night. (The first time since we had kids, other than our wedding night.) We walked down town, and then to the Monroe. The night was gorgeous, and just being together without all of the noise and whining, was so calming and a little romantic feeling. A good friend called and asked if we wanted to go to the bar. Greg really did, so off we went... We get home around two o'clock, get in bed, and I 'm ready!!! But then I make the mistake of going to the bathroom. I get back and Greg is out cold. I tried everything to wake him, but it wasn't going to happen. I go to sleep and think well maybe tomorrow... First thing I do when I open my eyes is wake Greg up to be "active" with me, and it's great. Then Greg's dad calls and says he wants to take Noah for a little bit, and buy him cowboy boots, (which is another story of its own) and to take him to see some horses. So off we go to pick the kids up from my mom's and take Noah to his dad's. We drop Noah off and go home. We put the baby to sleep and take part in some "romance." Dead smack in the middle, Big Greg, (Greg's Dad) and Noah come walking through the door and up the stairs where we were consamating our marriage. That's right we were totally busted. Twenty six years old, married with two kids, and Greg's dad busts us... Does it get more hilarious than that? I don't think so! LOVE IT!!!!!

hmmm...

So, I always said that I would always rather have a messy than give up time with my children. When Noah was born I found it so important that he grew up knowing how much I loved him. I never wanted him to question that fact. I'd spend countless hours playing and cuddling and watching movies, I totally forgot, how important it is to make sure they know that being disgusting isn't right either. I am now very aware of messes. I no longer wish to live that way. Don't get me wrong I still want them to know how much I love them, and I still don't want to have any regrets about spending time with them, but I don't want them to be embarrassed to have friends over or be smelly. Or anything like that, and though I have improved a great bit, as far as keeping things clean, I'm still lazy... So what's the answer. I always think about getting up a couple hours earlier than the kids to get everything caught up, but I don't sleep well at night, so that seem to be out of the question. i would like to be able to stay up a little bit after they go to bed, but because I don't sleep I'm too tired... How do I keep my house clean without compromising my time spent with my kids? It's a question I would love to have some answers on. SO if any of you out there have any suggestions, please do NOT hesitate to let me know! Or at least some advice on ho to sleep better so I can wake up early, or anything! Thanks!!!

Noah is the coolest

Noah is such a cool little boy. He's got so much personality , and heart. He loves to make people laugh and will do whatever it takes to get a giggle. He's got a smile that could light up the world, and he never seizes to amaze me. We spend most of out days laughing and being silly. He helps me cook and clean, and I love to do little things to make him happy. Like taking the car through the car wash, ever once in awhile. He thinks thats so cool...
Some days we eat popsicles all day, just because we can. Or potato chips for breakfast. I let him wear his snow boots if that's what he wants, because no matter how silly he might look, that's him and that's the way I love him!
Every morning he wakes up and comes in my bed, lifts up the blankets, and snuggles in beside me. We lay in my bed and just hold each other for at least a half of an hour. Then we go into Mylee's room and he says, "Good morning Mylee, my little sweet face!" Sometimes he gets in her crib and they play together, sometimes we go downstairs.
Every moment we spend together I fall more in love with him. I go to bed every night thanking God for giving me such a wonderful little boy. Being a parent truly is amazing, especially when the time is taken to really enjoy children. There's so much to enjoy and learn from them.
Every day I learn something new from Noah. Sometimes its how to be patient, sometimes its how to have fun, or smile on a horrible day. He teaches me how to laugh, and especially he has taught me all I ever needed to know about how to love. He really is th coolest ever!

Thank goodness

Recently a few old friends have rekindled our friendships. It's so nice to have theses people a part of my life at all, let alone a bigger part these days. My best friend, as everyone knows, is my mother, and some day she won't be here.. Regardless... That's just the natural order of things, and though I hope I have the kind of relationship with my kids as my mom has with me, I am still going to need friends, other than them. It's nice to know, that I do!

I know I talk about it all the time, but i have to say it once again, I have been blessed in so many different ways. Don't get me wrong, I have struggled and seen my share of horrible things, but always have been blessed. The only difference is before I didn't see it. My life is not even close to perfect my all means, but somehow, the inperfections don't really seem to matter as much. Don't misunderstand me, I freak out and over react. I act like a complete moron, and vision my whole world coming to an end, but then I regroup and realize that there are so many more important things. It's hard to remember how great your life really is at times.. Just like a great marriage, its something that needs to be really worked at!

I'm lucky to have a great family, great friends, and new friends.... To Melody and Erin, I'm glad you guys decided you wanted to be a part of my life, and me a part of yours! I think you are wonderful and look forward to tons of fun!

What to say

There are so many things I could say today. I have lots I would like to vent, but its at the expense of others feelings... I could discuss my children and their ailments, but that's boring... I don't really have anything worth discussing at all.... So until I have something to discuss that isn't going to cause drama, or bore anyone... I'm here to say, I am alive, just not interesting....
Maybe tomorrow!

Family

What is family? According to Webster's dictionary, definition 3 its a "group of people who are related by marriage or common ancestors; relatives; clan." That's what we all say. But why is it when family is supposed to mean so much to us all that they are the ones to treat everyone poorly! Last night I spent some time with a part of my "family" that live out of town. I always thought that for the most part these two weren't real big on me, and last night they made it obvious. They make no attempt to be friendly or even include my family in their activities, they think we are beneath them. And the best part is they don't even know me or my husband, kids, or even my siblings. I guess that's what makes me so upset. If they knew me and then decided they didn't want to associate with me, whatever. But i am a good person and maybe I'm not rich like them, but I have so much more.
I don't understand how these people can be so "concerned" with family and yet treat some of them so poorly.
Which brings me to what I think family is, or at least should be. I think its people who love, respect and care for each other. People who would help others out of a jam if they could. People who play with one another's kids and babysit. People who trust each other, and enjoy each other. Who treat one another kindly and with love. So I say to all the people who are family to me and my family. Thank you, and here are your props!
Joe, Fawn, Zach, Aubrie, Logan and new baby.... (maybe) We love you guys. We couldn't be more thrilled that we are so close! We love to spend time with you, and love to get the kids together! Joe you are one of the best uncles in the world! You never act put out, when we need your help, you enjoy them and Greg always says he considers you a brother more than a cousin! Fawn, you are an amazing friend, even when you don't agree with me you are supportive! I appreciate you more than you ever know! You are a great aunt, and I am so glad that we moved to Arlington, with out that I don't think we'd be as close as we are. I look forward to thousands of your calls a day. Zachary, you are the best big cousin in the world. You are so helpful, and loving. Even though Noah is younger than you, you play with him like he's your best friend. You are patient and wonderful! Always helpful with Mylee! You are such a wonderful boy and I enjoy you so much! Aubrie, oh Aubrie... you have the most amazing stories, you are so full of life and you are so fun! You are a great big cousin too, and Mylee loves you so much! I can't wait to see the woman you become, and so proud of how wonderful you have become this past year, you've become such a big girl. Logan, you are so funny. You are becoming such a great little boy, you have smile that could light up the darkest night! And new baby (maybe) I can't wait to meet you...
Winklers.... Cassie, you are one of the best people I know, you are always there no matter what. You defend my honor, and are completely loyal,. I know that you genuinely love my children, as does Dustin... Who is always playing with with the kids, and you are so supportive, and always listen to my stupid stories. You guys treat us like family, and we think of you that way. Delaney you are such a nice girl, and so patient with the other kids, Camden... what to say.... you are a wild man, but I love you and your kisses, and you are so full of life... Paxton.. I love you and I hope the rest of your life is easier!
Mom... well that would be such a long thank you. I hope that you know how amazing I think you are... Amy... and your family....
I guess my point is, I don't need these people who don't actually like me or respect me, because I have so many people in my life that love me and are more family then I could ever call some of my actual family. I'm so incredibly lucky to have you people in my life, I don't know why I would ever sweat a bunch of jerks. Thanks so much guys for being amazing, and for the people not mentioned, I am sorry, my baby is crying, but I hope that you know I love you and if not I know that within due time, I will make sure you know!
Here's to real family!

Slim fast update

Not doing so good with my slim fast plan. I will get back on track Monday! I was sick, Mylee's sick, Greg was being a weinie, and I started my period! I am not too worried about losing weight this week. I am only worried about not going insane, which I am afraid might happen if I have to be worried about my fat ass!
Besides I need junk to get through my period! I am an emotional wreck when it comes to this time of the month. Yesterday I yelled at Noah and then spent twenty minutes holding him and crying making sure he knew I loved him... No JOKE! We cried together for a long time, and that was just one of the many times I cried!
But I will get through it, with the help of chocolate and McDonald's and I swear on my girl scout honor (?) that I will continue the weight loss plan next week! So here is to Monday, with our slim fast optima shakes in the air! CHEERS!

Not a drama free day at all

Drama free day.... Ha! It was anything but. I wake up, and go down stairs to find my house in absolute shambles, because while I was sick, no one could possibly do anything... Then my landlords call and say that they talked to my husband the night before and are coming over. So absolutely horrified that Greg had this information and still didn't do anything around the house when I was sick, I call him to find out why he would do something like that. To which he responded.... well let's just say not in a good way! So as I am trying to scurry along and get the house clean, Mylee wakes up. I run up the stairs and what do I find.? My seven month year old baby covered in poop, head to toe!, I throw her clothes away, yes they were that bad, and throw her in the bath tub; while Noah stands in front of the bathroom reminding me that Mylee is "gross" and "that stinks" I burnt my cookies, got soap all over my shirt, started my period in the grocery line, get a stomach ache, then Greg comes home and acts like a duesche bag. I don't know what his problem was but was being a jerk! I leave because Noah is yelling at him to "stay away from me right now!" and we have no where to go, so we go to the drive inn, but it's freezing outside and I didn't bring any jackets or blankets. Then we are way too early for the movie, we already saw the second movie, a cop followed me the whole way home, then to my surprise the house is exactly as I left it, even though that's what Greg was all puffy about. Apparently it wasn't bad enough for him to do something about it. Now I have nowhere to sleep because retard is all over my bed, and is impossible to wake up, and all I want to do is go to sleep for about thirty seven years.....
Hope tomorrow isn't so horrible!

DRAMA

I am so tired of drama! Every place I look there is drama! Every single part of my life is so dramatic... All I want to do is pack up my family and and move to the beach. Just the four of us! we could spend time together as a family, and not talk to anyone unless we want to. Sounds beautiful to me! But I do know that drama will find me everywhere I go! Thanks for letting me vent... Here's to a drama free day!

Blah

That is what I feel like right now. I am sick, sick, sick! My chest hurts, it feels like someone is sitting on it. My nose is stuffed up and starting to hurt from blowing it like a thousand times. My head feels like its going to explode, and my lips are so chapped they are starting to bleed from walking around with my mouth wide open. All I want to do is lay in bed and sleep, but I can't.... I can however, order pizza for dinner for my family and go to bed when Greggy poo comes home! I hope no one else gets sick!
I also hope I feel better really soon!

Week one.... results

So week one of the slim fast challenge is over. Let me start by saying, I did not do well sticking to the plan this weekend... Like not at all, but today I am back on track. That seems to be one of the great things about this program. It still works when you stray.
I still haven't bought a scale, but I took my measurements and here it is:

Waist: 31 in.
Belly: 36 in.
Butt: 40.5 in.
Right Thigh: 24 in.
Left Thigh: 24.5 in.
Right Arm: 12 in.
Left Arm: 11.5 in.

My pants are already getting looser! And I don't feel so gross! So here's to the next week!

Slimfast update

So everything was going really really well. I was sticking to my plan, then Fawn called, and we went to Red Lobster, but if that wasn't bad enough I spent the entire day yesterday gorging myself full of food. But today is a new day, and i have every intention of getting back on track. I am pretty sure I have recently already lost some weight. Things that were not looking so good on me are starting to fit rather nicely. I have decided after staring at myself in the mirror naked for about an hour yesterday that I would really only like to lose about an inch off of everything and tone up. I want to get TONER (get it.. I know I am gay) Anyways, If I happen to lose more fantastic, but I am excited and Monday you will have my measurement results and hopefully I will have bought a scale by then.
I am still loving most of the food and we are embarking into week two... Here's to living a healthier lifestyle!
Much of my love!

People Stink... well some of them

Recently, I was informed about a "good" friend of mine bashing me to almost a total stranger. This person, (the basher, not the stranger, ) Not only said some things that were completely untrue and mean, but she said things that could cause a huge problem in my marriage if she's saying things like this to other people. But what really gets me is I haven't really done anything to her. The only thing that I can think of is that she's completely jealous. The only time she wants to be my friend is when things are going horribly wrong in my life. She seems to love the drama, but whenever things are going well, (which they have been for a long time, other than a fat, and an ugly remark) I can never seem to find her. Granted the Basher has had a rough life, but most of it she chose for herself. At one point in my life I thought that she could be a really great friend, but I guess when jealous it can't be.
I know that people always say that if someone talks about you behind your back they're jealous, well I know that is not always the case, but in this particular instance, I strongly feel that it's true. I mean come on, I do have a pretty fantastic life full of things this person does not have. I have a great family, my husband though a dummy at times, is an amazing man, to whom I am attracted to more and more everyday, I have two beautiful children to the same man, my husband, and finances and god willing I would eleven more. I have a nice home, though we rent. Greg takes care of us, and works his ass off to support us and make us happy, I have great friends who would do anything for us, and knows how to make me fell special! (You know who you are)
I have many options of how I live my life, a great relationship with my parents, and n\most of all that really seems to make the Basher angry is that I am happy... And I really really am.
So I say to anyone else who may be out there trying to make my good name ugly
. I get to have these things in my life because I have and continue to make the right decisions. Every thing that happens is an effect of a decision you have decided to make. Having babies, though they may have been a surprise was a decision. Getting married, a decision. Putting your life into God's hands, is a decision. Even things in your life that you can't change, that just happen and a suck... The way you react to them is a decision. If you want your life full of chaos it is a decision you make!
I chose to live a christian life. I dedicate to helping people as much as I can. Anybody who actually knows me knows that's true. I am a good person, who would never intentionally hurt someone. I apologize for my mistakes and learn from them. For the most part I try hard to be a good friend, and I love with my entire body. So to the Basher, because if you are reading this, and I am sure you will, and you're right, this if to you; Find something else to do. If you don't like me, don't talk to me... and though it is probably true, I would still do whatever I could for you, if you needed something, I don't particularly like you. I think that you have serious problems, and I hope that you seek help, And I do hope that you find happiness someday. Focus on your life and the people that you love. Do NOT, however focus on people that you don't like apparently. Don't be jealous, make your own life beautiful. I wish you luck, I mean it, and I hope you find something wonderful to hold onto! And if it really makes you feel better to cut me down in front of others, by all means keep on keeping on!

Everyone should post one of these!

Things that make me happy!

my amazing children. Mylee's laugh, Noah's snow boots, Greg's lips, Great memories, My friendship with my mother, God's love, my nieces and nephews, cherry tree blossoms, watermelon, ice cold sweetened tea, garlic, The flaming lips, Jack Johnson, myspace, blogging, smiley faces, cozy comforters, cuddling, hot chocolate and toast, the sweet spot in my bed, Greg's hands, spring, a clean house, (especially if I don't have to clean it) camping, the beach, the smell of sunscreen, Mylee's fuzzy head, Noah's smile, Austin's freckles, Sarah's lasagna, My faith, Christmas, Halloween costumes, Ghost hunters, Charmed, Patsy Cline, Dreams about Grandma, The way Mylee's little toes wrap around my nose when I kiss her feet, Tim's kindness, Fawn's laugh, When Zach plays with Noah, and fights with Aubrie over who gets to sit by him, Aubrie's stories, Logan's phone calls, Camden's kisses, love, Big hugs, Serenity's smile, Daddy's love, Mom's turkey, Aunt Chris' mashed potatoes and gravy, being right, being told I'm beautiful, mom's bed, good movies, bathes, nights out, dates, strawberries, pie.... I love pie, other people's pets, toddlers, potty trained kids! Laying in bed with Greg joking around and laughing, long talks, walks, Moraine, picnics, cars that run, baby ruths, pictures, good friends, rainbows, when Noah tickles me... there's so much more... to be continued....

Thanks!

More often than not we take all of the wonderful blessings that God has given us, for granted. The beautiful day, green grass, blossoming cherry trees, our children, being able to open our eyes and see every morning, our relationship with our parents, no matter how they are... At least we have parents. Just the fact that your child can talk or crawl or hold your face and say I love you. Or even if they can't do those things, how much joy do they bring to your life? And be happy that you are capable of making them happy.
SO many people go day to day, without ever giving thanks for anything... When there is so much to give thanks for. Our world as we know it, is about to change. A big change... Most people believe that there is going to be a new depression, and if this is true, what is going to keep you from giving up. Where is your hope going to come from? Young and Old, Rich or Poor... What good are any blessing if you lack the ability to be grateful for them?
At the end of everyday, say thanks for something new... After a week or two, start to say thank you in the morning and night, for something new... Then every time you see something wonderful try to remember to take the time to give thanks. Pretty soon you'll find yourself saying thank you all day long.. You will be happier, the people around you will be happier! And eventually you won't sweat the bad stuff! It's really an amazing way to live. So I am challenging you all! Give thanks and live great! So much love

Let's talk food

Here is the fantastic recipe I got from Slim Fast. We had this last night and wow was it delicious! I can not wait to eat this again. It definetely made it into my recipe box, and it's all pretty simple!
In this you will have a protein, vegetable and starch. I will post a new recipe for everyday that I love! Let's see what we can get!
Pesto Rubbed Chicken
.5 oz. package of Knorr Pesto Sauce mix
2 TBL. Olive Oil
1 1?4 lbs. Chicken breast

1) Blend Knorr Pesto sauce Mix and olive oil. Brush on both sides of chicken. 2) Grill or broil (I used the George Foreman Grill) until chicken is thoroughly cooked.

Glazed Herbed Carrots
16 oz. baby carrots
1/4 c. fat free chicken broth
2 TBL. I can't believe it's not butter spread
1 TBL brown sugar packed
1/4 tsp marjoram
1/4 tsp. ginger

1) In 10 in non stick skillet bring carrots and broth to boil over high heat. Reduce heat to med-high and cook covered 8 min. or until carrots are tender. 2) Add remaining ingredients and cook stirring frequently, 2 min. or until Spread is melted and carrots are glazed

Spicy Oven Baked Fries
1 1/2 ilb red potatoes
3 TBL "butter" spread
1/4 tsp. season salt
1/8 pepper
1/4 tsp. cayenne pepper... (I didn't use this ingredient)

10 Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Lightly grease baking sheet; set aside. 2) Peel potatoes (I didn't peel the potatoes... more vitamins) & cut into wedges. 3) Melt "butter" 4) In large bowl toss all ingredients until potatoes are evenly coated. On prepared baking sheet, arrange potatoes in single layer.50 Baking turning once, 40 min. or until potatoes are golden brown and crisp

Alright, I hope that everyone enjoys this recipe as much as I did. I LOVED the chicken.. It was soooo good! Bon appetite

Love, love, love slimfast!

So day three... I do believe and I am no longer starving, and I am drinking so much more water. I have been following my meal plan and exercising, so I feel great. (A little sore... due to NOT exercising for years)
The great thing about slim fast is they give you this meal plan and if you don't like the food or you don't have it right now or whatever you can substitute things... They have an awesome list of recipes and substitutions. And if you are willing to try new foods, it so worth it. Last night I had Pesto chicken, glazed baby carrots and red potatoe fries... Delicious, and my husband loved them too. The shakes are def. better cold and when chugged and the "snack" bars are delicious, at least the ones I have tried. I am loving it. Hopefully I can sick to this plan and hey if I decide I really want a cheese burger with mushrooms, I log into my plan.. Find it in alternative foods, for the nutritional info. and calorie count and it goes into my plan! SO I can see the damage done or not done. And I am certainly not going to neglect my junk food needs. I absolutely do have a problem with junk food, I am just trying not to eat as much..
I have heard that it's like smoking. The more you eat the more you crave. So if you can get it out of your system you will no longer crave it... We'll see about that!... Well I am going to buy a scale this weekend so I will be posting not only my measurements, but my weight as well....
Too bad Fawn is the only person who cares about my blogs. Hey maybe someday I'll get an audience! I will blog back soon! :)

Day one of SF challenge

I am starving, however I did skip my breakfast and my first snack, which I am totally regretting right now. The shakes aren't too bad, but still hard to get down. I did however find some slim fast meal bars that sound like snicker's, but we'll see about that!
There are a ton of great recipes and I am excited to try them. Tonight for dinner we are having "Hidden Vegetable meatballs" It should be healtheier for everyone.
I went grocery shopping today and I spent about 120 dollars. However I didn't have a lot of things like spices and mayo, and what not. Still $120 on groceries for a week for a family of four isn't too bad. So here I am stepping forward... Wish me luck!

Slim Fast Challenge

Okay... This blog is about to be brutally honest. I am about to embark on a new weight loss challenge! On paper the slim fast program looks like the least to give up and the most inexpensive. Not that I think I am fat... But I am over wight for my height and I could be a lot happier with my body... I would like to start eating healthier also.
So Slim-Fast.com is completely free, and they set up a personalized food day plan, and exercise plan. It goes by your weight, height and how much you want to lose. Then it takes your calorie count for the day and plans your meals and snacks for the day.
Because I started too late in the day, I will start tomorrow, and blog about my progress once a week... I don't actually know how much I weigh, but I do know that it's around 168lbs. I know that's crazy. I am five foot five, and here are my measurements, which I take frequently, and will use as a more accurate way to measure my success! So here I am ready to let it all hang out!

My waist is 32 in.
Belly 37.5 in.
My booty 41.5 in.
right thigh 25 in.
left thigh 25.5 in.
right arm 12.5 in.
left arm 12 in.
Alright let's see if the slim fast works... To be continued...

Buying a house with bad credit

So I have never cared that my credit was bad. I always thought it wasn't a big deal, I mean who cares if I can't own a house, it would be more work for me anyways! Then I was visiting an old family friend and he was talking about how he knew someone selling a three bedroom house with a lot of land, and etc... Curiously I went to look at it, and immediately fell in love. The house isn't much to look at, at first glance that is, but after walking through it a few times I already have plans of how I would fix it up. I can actually see me and my husband Greg growing old together, sitting on the front porch watching our kids, then grand kids, and maybe even great grandkids, playing on the tire swing in the front yard. I have become obsessed, all I can think about is this house. And now of course Greg and I are paying for our credit problems. Why on earth didn't I listen to my mother when she said getting a credit card was a bad idea. Further more, we don't even know anyone who could or would co sign for a loan. Now I have to sit by and hope that someday somehow I'll be able to live in my dream home! But I know it's not really likely... Too bad. But if anyone out there knows of any type of loop holes or somewhere that doesn't care much about poor credit, let me know. I am dying to live in this house!
All I have to say now is... POOP

My first blog

Up until now, I have enjoyed blogging, but only on myspace. An amazing friend of mine just sent me a link to her blogging page, and I got to thinking. Perhaps I should blog somewhere else. Why not,. So I did it. I set up an account and now I am waiting for something interesting enough to write about, which shouldn't be hard. I have two beautiful children, a great husband, and a ton of extended family who carry tons of drama!! I love it! I can't wait to write a great blog and hopefully help or at least entertain somebody out there!