Birthing

March 28, 2005. Thirty pounds heavier, three days over due, and ankles that were ready to pop, I opened the front door to the building that holds my future in the palm of its hands, and wobbled down the hall. Pressing the buttons on the rattling elevator, I began sweating in agony. I just wanted it to be over, to regain my life, my body, my mind. I just wanted to move on with my life, and get back to being normal. `
When they called my name I couldn't help but wish that they would tell me today would be the day. Of course I knew that it was wishful thinking, but who could blame a girl. After I stood on the scale with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat, wondering how someone with a size five figure could almost weigh two hundred pounds after nine months, the midwife rudely asks, "Did the nurse step n the scale with you?" Horrified I let this woman proceed to check my cervix for dilation, and go on about how much weight I've gained and how bloated I am. I then find out that I have toxemia....
Soon the midwife finishes insulting me and asks me if there is any reason I should go home. Not being able to think of anything other than the giant love card I was making for my boyfriend, I said. "No." "Then let's have this baby!"
Hearing those words was like every Christmas, birthday, Halloween, first kiss, and bear hugs all in one. Only better. Finally this baby was coming out. All of the fears of child birth I had previously had disappeared, now all I felt was excitement. I couldn't wait to meet my son, I couldn't wait to not Be pregnant, I couldn't wait to start my family with the love of my life.
I registered and waited for Greg. Eating my last meal until after birth, I remembered how horrible this was about to be. All I wanted now was to go back ten months and tell myself not to be so stupid. I mean I spent twenty two years not getting pregnant was I so ignorant this year? I'm not ready to be a mom. I can't even take care of myself. I am selfish, and I like it. I had no desire to improve myself, I was happy with the person I was, prior to conceiving.I began to realize how bad of an idea it really was for two people who just started adulthood, to have a baby. But it was to late. What could I do about it now... "Would someone please give me a Valium and a sleeping pill"
Of course I couldn't have a Valium, however I could have some cerviadil, to thin out my cervix, and a sleeping pill. Three o'clock in the morning I began to get this weird cramps. I just kept thinking if I could pass gas at least once, my stomach would feel so much better. And enters the nurse. "Looks like you are having some good ones" "Good what?" I replied. "Contractions" The next thing I know I am flipped on my side and getting a shot in my ass... Apparently passing out immediately, I wake up to Greg's alarm clock and tell him to go to work. After all the doctor said it would probably be hours before I gave birth. Them again she told me that it was unlikely that i would go into labor on my own, without pitocin, but what did I know, i was just having a baby, she's delivered hundreds.
My mother and father stayed with me, while my contractions grew. Around ten thirty Susan baker, yet another midwife, sending my parents away, decided to break my water. With no warning aside from, "you'll feel gushing fluid" I most certainly did feel a gush of fluid, but unaware that it would be so warm it almost burnt. Alarmed I asked if it should feel that way, and of course as they laughed at me under there breathe I was told that everything was alright and asked if I wanted to use the hot tub.
I layed in the hot tub in a hospital gown. Jets blowing against my back and sides. With every growing contraction the sound of voices made me sick to my stomach. Daddy wouldn't come in; thinking he would have to see me naked, but for the first time in my life, I really needed and wanted his support. So with fear in his eyes then relief on his face after discovering I was with apparel, he came in and kept me company with my mom. Contractions came and went, grasping the side rails I decided to beach myself. After all, I was hungry, nauseous, in pain, tired, and now hot. I was ready to go lay down. My parents went outside to have cigarettes, because apparently my labor was stressing them out! Walking down the hall with strong contractions every two minutes took me about a half an hour.
When I finally got to my room, the nurse asked if I wanted something to ease the pain. I was under the impression that this would get worse and last awhile so I said no. But the next thing I remember my head was feeling heavy and I felt like I drank three bottles of whiskey. At first I thought it was cool, but after my next contraction I just wanted to throw up and have someone turn it off.
Eleven o'clock came and the nurses informed me that if I wanted the babies dad to be there for the birth I had better give him a call? What? They told me I had at least twenty four hours, we need that money. But I did as I was told, and soon after began to prep for an epidural.
Ahhh, epidurals. What a heavenly aide. I know that many women out there give birth and never even think of having drugs, but I am no hero, why do it if you don't have to.
The epidural was in and not really knowing what to expect, (I lied and said I read the paper saying what to expect, I knew if I read it I would chicken out) I layed back, and prepared to see my contractions and not feel them... Well, the contraction came, and of course, because this is the life of Liz, I felt nothing..... On the left side of my body. On the right I felt everything. I rang for the nurse and asked if that was normal. "No!!! (you moron, she implied)" It wasn't.
I asked why this had happened. It was explained to me that it couldn't have been the anesthesiologists fault, it had to be because my back is crooked, but they would soon correct my mistake! The man with the needle came back in my room to adjust. After pulling it out, he had to re due the hole procedure again. Feeling pretty good due to my stadal, I preceded to hit on the man. I told him he was good looking and asked if he was married, and then glancing to my right, MY man walked int o the room. To drugged up to feel embarrassed I told Greg, I was hitting on the anesthesiologists, he smiled and laughed nervously. (I don't think he believed me)
Everyone, my mom, my dad, my mom's friend, and my sister came back into the room.The nurse checked my cervix and told me I was dilated to a six.Completely exhausted I looked up at my mommy and smiled. Closing my eyes I drifted into what would be the last peaceful moment of my life, for years to come. Twenty minutes later at about 2:45 p.m. I woke up. I felt this weird urge... Not exactly and urge, but like my vagina was already working to get this baby out, without my knowledge or permission. I called for the nurse and she came in, unwilling to believe that I was already at a ten when twenty minutes ago I was a six.
As nurse Sharon's head peaked up,from out of my legs, I gasped noticing the blood on her hands. I was indeed a ten, well technically a 9.75. I was informed that if I tried to push now I would be there for hours, so to hang tight and the midwife would be sure to come. As the nurse started to leave I began to ring the bell. This baby was coming with or without their help, and I didn't seem to have any control over it. They got the room ready immediately and the midwife showed up.
The next twenty minutes were a blurr. I remember them telling me to push and as I would push everyone kept saying, "That's it. That's it" Leaving me with the impression that I got the enormous head that felt like it was going to tear me apart out of my vaginal walls. That was not the case. Upon hearing the news that I wasn't even close to finished, I yelled, "Then everyone needs to shut the fuck up!" Then Greg did it. He rubbed the leg he was holding at my head, with his thumb. I though his touch was going to make me vomit. I looked at him with red eyes and a green face, "Don't touch me" Searching for the barf bucket, my retarded baby's dad moved again, he dropped my leg, and all I heard was my mother's very powerful voice, yell sternly, "pick up her leg you retard." (Poor Greg didn't have a chance)
As I finally pushed the last few pushes, and yelling, "Get this baby out of me NOW" He plopped right out. Greg looked down and said, "Oh my God" He was here. Our baby boy.
Here's the part where every mother says things like, "They put my amazing gift on my belly and I cried with joy. My heart was immediately filled with love as I looked at my beautiful baby boy. From that moment I felt an internal instinct and loved him so much" Well I am not every mother. That just wasn't the case for me. They put my baby on my belly all wrinkled and covered in mung. His eyes were huge and wide open and they were as black as night. His nose was swollen and crooked, It looked huge. He was purple and had virtually no fat on his entire body. He was not beautiful and I did not feel a connection. I did cry but I was glad it was over. I will say that I loved him, I just wasn't connected.
They took him away and told I could see him after I get to my room. After kicking everyone out, I got cleaned up. I took a shower and put on my "after birth" diaper, and went to my room. My legs were swollen, my cankles were sore, and my feet were so big that my once slender long toes, looked like little fat sausages. The pediatrician came into the room were me and our family were waiting to see the new life that scared the crap out of me, and told us that we couldn't see him, because he had to be on oxygen, due to extra fluid in his lungs. But the father and the grandparents could go see him. I had to wait for the epidural to be taken out of my back before I could go anywhere!
The next three days were long. I wanted my baby, but appreciated the rest I was getting. When I finally got to hold Noah I cried. I felt so many emotions.. I felt scared, nervous, I didn't even know this kid, but was supposed to feel connected. And so the guilt began.
I later found out that I had a severe case of post partum depression. And a month or two later I began to adore Noah. But it was a rough couple before I did... And that note I will leave with the understanding that I still adore Noah, he's my light. My once in a lifetime. I feel so connected now. And I will write about my fight against the post partum depression, but I would like to leave this as his birth and nothing more!

Blah

I get so tired of things being hard. So tired of life really. Why does every decision have to have so many options. Why can't things ever be simple. Today, I am tired. Tired of drama, tired of decisions, tired of arguments and difficult relationships, (I'm not talking about me and Greg for the record) Tired of people back stabbing one another, tired of people not caring for their children the way they should, tired of denial, tired of lies, of conflict.
Is there ever a point in life when things just happen? Are some people's lives just meant to be rough? What lesson are we supposed to learn and why doesn't life come with some sort of manual... I guess it does. The bible. Aren't we suppose to turn to prayer? Why doesn't God give neon signs that flash big pink lights? I am always questioning my choices. How do you ever know what is right?
Tired if that thought, tired of no real answers... I am even tired of spongebob. Tired of monotony. Tired of low self esteem, tired of the whole bit. BLAH!

YIKES

So I have just been informed by my sensitive husband that I change my looks too much. I always thought that it would make life a little more interesting, but Greg says no. He says I need a f-ing hobby. So I reach out to all of my blog readers, (I know there is like a handful, but whatever) I would love to have some suggestions for a hobby. I suppose having a hobby could be really good for me too. I mean it could give something to do aside from being a mom and wife, There are so many days when I wake up and scream for something new. Honestly, when did life become so monotonous? Let's face it, after a certain point nothing new happens, you wake up to the same face, in the same bed. You eat the same foods, clean the same mess. Go to the same job, drive the same car. Got to bed, and do the same again. I don't care who you are, how happy you claim to be. Everyone gets bored sometimes.. So I guess a hobby would be a great thing... I f I could think of something!

Parenting

Parenting... There are so many different types of parents, and ways of parenting. Which is the right way? I like to think that my way is the right way, but what parent doesn't. When does parenting start? In theory it would be nice to think that it started the moment of conception, however, it really doesn't, because you don't even know. So let's go ahead and say it starts the moment you find out you are going to bring a child into the world. What's the next step? After the initial shock, the first step should be to do whatever it takes to make sure this baby is going to be healthy. That means, call the doctor, quit smoking, take the vitamins, go to your appointments... Stop being selfish and realize that you are now in charge of a new life. Not just any life, but a life that you created. A helpless life that you created. By accepting this huge realty you then accept the fact that your life should no longer be about you, but about this new life. I think that what you are willing to give up and do while pregnant reflects hugely on the type of parent you are going to be... that is not to say that people don't change later, but I think that for the most part people don't. If you still smoke a pack of cigarettes a day regardless to how badly it will effect your child, pretty much shows that you are still incredibly selfish. Which is okay. It's okay to be selfish, I suppose that is just another type of parenting.
Then the baby comes and your entire world changes, or at least should. All of sudden you are responsible for another life. There is no ignoring this problem. Now some parents get lucky and get a lot of help, but most parents are on their own. Which can be so trying. I don't know about everyone in the world, but from my own experiences the newborn phase is the worst. Not necessarily the hardest. Just the worst. Sleep deprived, hungry, scared, confused. No matter how smart you are or thought you were, you suddenly feel clueless. You are taking care of a complete stranger and it is totally natural to not like this person sometimes but due to so many "I was in love instantly" stories, you begin to feel guilty, because you don't adore your crying, hungry, pooping baby all of the time. It is so hard to constantly care for something that absolutely needs you. I mean make no o mistake. This tiny little person, would not make it a day without. It should make you feel proud and important, but it should also make you scared, because the fear is what is going to keep you from screwing it up.
Then there is the toddler age. But his time you are really getting to know your baby. You love her. He or she has a personality, and are starting to get into things. So the question arises again. What kind of parent do I want to be? There's tough love, There's spoiling, how do I discipline. I mean there are so many questions. There are a few certainties, that regardless of the child or the parent, there are some things: love, support, strength, guidance, discipline, hugs, kisses for boo-boos, structure, beliefs, morals. It's simple. The best way to be a parent, I believe, is too never think that you are the best. To give them love, but always know that there is room for improvement. Always try your hardest. I think that if you do that and again make sure that each child knows they are special and that you love them, then no matter what kind of parent you are, it should be okay! Thanks again for letting me express my opinion in lovely manner I always do!

PAIN

SO it's 1:30 am on, well I guess Weds. morning. That's right... Twenty six years old and can't sleep because my legs hurt. I never had a lot of pain problems before having children, and two pregnancies later, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. I've seen the doctor for it and she wasn't really any help. the onl thing I can think of aside from taking narcotics, is trying to see a chiropracter. I mean really aren't I too young to have pain problems? And yet, here I am wide awake and yet exhausted because of my legs. This is absolutely ridiculous. I feel like I am a hundred years old. My body is deteriating.
There are days that my back hurts soo bad that I can't hold my kids. I don't know what to do anymore... (I think I might be getting delirious... I don't function well without sleep)
All I can do is think about how in just a few short hours, my kids will be awake and I will have to forfeit any chance of aleep, and yet, I still get get there! I wonder now if I should just stay up and clean. At least then when I don't move off of the couch except for necesseties.
Well now that I have complained more than I think I ever have before! So ... While you all are resting peacefully in your bed, I am going to get a head start on some dishes and maybe make my husband some breakfast! If you don't hear from me later it's because I am zombified.
Have a nice sleep!

So much good

You know it's so weird how there is something good to be found in every situation. I know that it is hard t find at times. Especially when something horrific is happening in the moment, but it's true. My most recent example of this is my new Great friend, Erin. You see, recently a friend of mine had informed me that another friend of mine had "supposedly" said and done some horribly crazy things about me. And out pf that situation, though I was hurt, came out something great. A really good friend.
So to you new friend, I have to say, I am really glad that I was bashed, and I really am glad that we are friends. You make me laugh daily, and your kids are so much fun! I love your family and I am so glad to be able to know all of you. Not to mention, Elijah is super cool! And he loves my kisses!
I also would like to take this time to point out that I am really corny, but my mom always raised me to make sure that the people I love know how I feel. That way God forbid something happen someday everyone know just how I felt. I try to live my life by that rule... Well all kinds of rules really, but that is one of them.
And moving on, let's talk about some other people in my life that mean alot to me... Fawn, though we are classic opposites, we still somehow work out. I don't know what I would do without you, and can barely remember my life before you. Your kids are amazing and I love Joe too. You guys inspire me to be a better family. You remind me everyday to let the little things go, and to always love my husband. I love that you can't hold a grudge. I even love that you won't let your kids get dirty, but I notice you loosening up when it comes to those things and I love that too...
Cassie... What can I say... I love that you know when to leave me alone, and when not to. You know me in and out, and its just because you are observent. You can read me like a book and I always know that you got my back. You are never afraid to tell me that I am an asshole and you always support every decision, even if you don't agree with it. You are an awesome friend, and I am lucky to have you. I love Dustin and you the kids, (Even though Delaney gets too close to Greg sometimes) I even love when Delaney gets sad because I didn't say goodbye the right way. I hope that you know, I will always be here, to help you anyway I can.... If you need me!
And I would like to make sure that I recgonize my mom. The absolute most amazing person I have ever known. Keep fighting.. I need you and can't even imagine life without you. You are my truest best friend, my absolute soul mate. I know that this life will not be the end of our journey, but I still value each moment of it. I can always count on you. No matter what. I love to be around you, you make me laugh and cry and feel good and angry and give me so much love that only a mother, best friend , sister could do. You've walked with me through every trial I have faced throughout my life, and gave the ability to come out on top. You taught me how to love, laugh, care, cry, change... so many things, You gave me faith in God and showed me what it means to be a good person. I would have been lost and am so glad I had you as a mother to guide me through life. I love you mom, and I hope you keep fighting....
I don't want to forget to mention my amazing husband and beautiful kids, but they won't read this, so I don't think it matters. I gush about them enough, I am pretty sure everyone knows how I feel!
Well if I didn't mention you don't think I don't love you. I am sure that there will be future blogs with my weirdness soon. So Erin I'm so glad we are getting to know eachother, Fawn you are fantastic and I love you, Cassie... You are the bomb, and Momma, you are the best and so amazing! I love you guys!

'

Do you realize

"Do you realize... That you have the most beautiful face??
Do you realize... We're floating in space???
Do you realize... That happiness makes you cry???
Do you realize... That everyone... you know... someday... will die?
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes let them know you realize that time goes fast. It's hard to make the good things last. Realize the sun doesn't go down, it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning 'round.

Do you realize???
Do you realize... That everyone... you know... someday... will die?
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes let them know you realize that time goes fast. It's hard to make the good things last. Realize the sun doesn't go down, it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning 'round.

Do you realize... That you have the most beautiful face?
Do you realize???"

That's a song by the Flaming Lips... It's on my soundtrack and one of my favorite songs in the world. I think it is great!