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Saturday, January 3, 2004 my good friend, Amy, and I went to Mardis Gras. A bar that was on Main Street. After having quite a few drinks, Jason Foster and some kid I went to school with, walked up the stairs. Feeling pretty good I ran up to Foster and hugged him, and the boy said, "What no hug for me?" It was the beginning of a very interesting relationship.
Under false identification, our first date was the next day. Thinking that this guy's name was Joe Toner, I told my mom and my friends, about the date I had with this pretty cute guy. After a lot of arguing, that his name was not Joe, I called and got his voice mail... His name was Greg. We went n our date and barely talked.... Well he barely talked, I never stopped.
When he went to drop me off, he started to talk a little more, so I invited him into our house. I mean hey, it was January, and rather chilly in the car. So we watched Eddie and the Cruisers and Greg sat on the complete opposite of the couch. Not thinking he was interested I told him he needed to leave so that I could go to bed. I walked him to the door and he turned around and gave me the most amazing kiss that literally knocked me off my feet. With a dumb grin on my face, I watched him walk to his car thinking, "I am going to spend the rest of my life with him." And went to bed.
Little did I know that I actually would. The next six months were a blurr of late nights, long days, and amazing and quick love. After three months we were planning a wedding and looking for a place to live. We went on trips, I introduced him to my family. It moved very fast. Thenc during one of my obsessive pregnancy testing, I got a positive result.
Heart pounding and mind whirling I called Greg into the bathroom where i handed him the plus sign on a peed stick. Disbelief and then a slow grin crossed his face. Not knowing how I yet felt, I punched him, and immediately ran outside.
The next nine months were.... emotional. Greg and I immediately moved into together and tried to be adults. Neither one of us actually knowing what it meant to live on our own. We soon realized that we barely knew eachother, and that we had completely different ideas of what living and parenting should be like, but we loved eachother. Things were hard, there was no questioning that. We struggled to stay together, to stat afloat.
And then he came. Beautiful Noah Francis Toner. The love of my life, and Greg knew it. Greg then spent the next two years competing with Noah for my attention and affection, and he always lost. We fought passionately. We loved even more. We broke up and made up too frequently. And little by little we got better at being responsible, better at being parents, and better at fighting.
So one day out of the blue, we decided to get married. Three months,and a wedding cancellation later, we tied the knot. The wedding was beautiful. Full of tears. Greg was the first to cry and it was as magical as every girl dreams of. The reception was fun and I couldn't keep my eyes, arms, and lips off of my husband. It was amazing.
Shortly after, we got pregnant again. Things were going well and we felt like we were on top of the world. Then Greg had a "meltdown" He wasn't sure that was life he wanted to live. I'm sure everyone feels that wat from time to time, but Greg took it to extremes. I thought our marriage was truly over. I figured out ways to take care of my family on my own, to provide the best life I could, while trying to understand how Greg could change his mind. Oddly enough I did understand. We sort of got shoved into this life, and its scarey to have to take care of so many lives. I understood more than he thought I did.
Then one day Greg remembered why he wanted that life. Why he wanted to be a dad and a husband. Though I was in disbelief, I owed it to him, to my children and to God, to at least try to work things out. After all I made a commitment. So Greg spent a month trying to prove himself to me and to Noah. I still wasn't being a fool, and didn't trust him completely. I wasn't sure that there was anything left of our marriage to save.
Then she came. Mylee Sharon Toner. Our angel. The minute she was born, she completed our family. Greg's been a changed man ever since, and though he still fights for my attention at times, I try hard to make him feel important too. Everyday I am thankful for all of the second chances we have gotten. All of the love we feel. Our beautiful children who have helped to keep us together, who have given us reason to change. I am thankful for an amazing husband who tries hard to keep us happy, and is always willing to change.
Today I can't keep my eyes off of him. I stare at him while he sleeps. eats. watches T.V. I think he's beautifully amazing. I have never felt the way I do about Greg. For the first time in a long time, I know we can make it. I know that God had a plan for us, and we work our asses off trying to follow that plan. He amazes me, in every way. I can't wait to grow old with him. To spoil our grand children.
Don't get me wrong, we have lots of fights, but we are really better now. Things aren't always easy, and we struggle to be nice. We are both too sarcastic, too emotional, and take things too personally. But there are no doubts that we have a lot of love. I'm glad I picked Greg, or God picked Greg for me. I am glad we got pregnant and married and pregnant again. I am glad that we have broken up, and made up, and hated and loved. I have no regrets about our relationship, because it is amazing. Our love is amazing. It might not be romantic enough for a great love story, but its ours.
I know I talk a lot about Noah, I guess it's because I have known him longer, but I want to take a minute to talk about how much i enjoy Mylee too. Because I do, I love her so much! I do have to admit that I was never a big baby person. I am only interested in them for about ten minutes and then I want to move on! I think toddlers and preschoolers are way more fun. Then when they are about six, I don't like them anymore. Now there are exceptions to this rule. Obviously the kids on my life that I already love are still loved when they turn six, but for the most part I find that I have less patience, maybe because I think they should start acting their age.
Now that I have fully described just how messed up my mentality is, I want to talk a bit about my beautiful little girl. Mylee Sharon Toner. Named after the most amazing person I know in my life... My mother. Mylee is quiet, but don't be fooled, because she is just as weird as, well, me. She loves to eat and is always pushing herself to do new things. Like standing up in the middle of the floor at eight months. Or trying to walk. She has the weirdest sense of humor I have ever sen on a baby. She laughs at me when I yell at her, and laughs when the wind blows in her face. Every morning I go into her room, peaking around the door, to find her standing in her crib, laughing and bouncing. I pick her up and we hug for a good five minutes, or until she pinches me.
She's tiny, as far as average size goes. Still wearing mostly 3-6 months clothes, but has the biggest Italian thighs I have ever seen. We spend the bulk of our day singing and dancing, or sometimes I hold her really close to my chest and roll around on the floor. She thinks that is hilarious!
When she was born, she wasn't a big cuddler. Since then I have done everything in my power to make that untrue. I hold her close and hug and kiss her every single chance I get. And every time it is so magical and amazing that I close my eyes, pinch a tear off, and thank God for the chance of being a mommy; for giving to beautiful healthy children; to give me a great husband to share in parenthood; and then I make sure that I am thankful for that moment. And no matter what I am doing I stop and take the time to just relish in cuddling her. I hold her and kiss her, and love her, for as long as she will let me. If we are getting into the car at walmart, if we are standing in the diaper isle. No matter where we are.
I love to kiss her feet, even though they almost always stink like sweat, and she wraps her toes around my nose? Her smile... Oh It's the best one I have seen yet! She melts my soul everytime she does it. When she laughs really hard it's completely unflattering and unlady like, but it always makes me laugh!
So even though I do use Noah as an example way more often than I do Mylee, it's not because I have favorites. I love my kids both. In very different ways, but still more than I could have ever imagined loving anything. The decision to have Mylee was one of the best ones I have ever made. She completed our family, and in a lot of ways saved it from disaster. She's a miracle, and when she was picked for our family by God's amazing hands, he blessed us with an angel. I truely do "have angel" The next few paragraphs is a song that I have dedicated o Mylee. I sing it everyday to her, and definetely believe in everything it says. She really is our angel!
Angel... by Jack Johnson
"I have an angel. She doesn't wear any wings. She wears a heart that could melt my own, she wears a smile that could make me want to sing. She gives me presents, with her presence alone. She gives me everything I could wish for, she gives me kisses on the lips just for coming home. She could make angels. I've seen it with my own eyes. But you got to be careful when you got good love, because angels will just keep on multiplying. But your so busy changing the world, just one look and you could change all of mine. We share the same soul!"
I love my baby girl so much!
So Tired! I feel like I haven't slept in about a thousand years. Every night I go to bed exhausted, and think that I am going to get a great nights sleep, then my legs start to hurt, my hips feel out of place, then a million thoughts begin to whirl in my head. How are we going to survive, as far as money goes. I mean honestly, I don't know very many people who are living the way they used to, with all of the prices rising. I worry that in a few years we won't be able to eat. I even lay awake thinking about how someday Noah isn't going to want to cuddle me someday, or he's going to be on his own in the world, and will he make the right decisions; will he follow the life God planned out for him, will he try drugs, or worse yet will he be a drug addict. Will he wait a reasonable time before haing sex, will he be a teen parent. Will Mylee have self respect, and love herself enough to be a leader. Will she not care about what the is cool. I wonder if they will stay true to themselves, if they will confide in me. And even worse, what can I do to assure that my children are the best people they can be.
I worry about Austin, and Sebastian. Cage and Serenity. I worry about my mother and her health, about how I am going to survive when someday she is taken away from me in this life. Then I worry about having the health issues she suffers from, and giving it to my children. I worry if I am letting the people in my life know that I love them enough! Am I being a good enough person. Will I get into heaven. Is the end of the world coming, Am I a good enough christian, who should I call tomorrow to touch base with them. Why am I letting some of my friendships fizzle. How am I going to get my house clean so if my grandmother in law stops by I don't have to listen to her ridicule? How do I make Greg feel better about his mother having a baby? Does Greg really know how much I love him. Am I a good wife, friend, mother? I should be a better sister. Should I get a job? How can I work and take care of my kids. Is it fair to them. Should I go back to school. Noah needs jeans and Mylee doesn't have any fall clothes the right size. What am I going to do about Christmas.
And the list goes on.... I have always been a worrier, but lately it seems to be taking over my life. I can't sleep and when I do I have nightmares
. Don't get me wrong I also spend alot of my time giving thanks for the amazing people and things in my life. I pray and try to give my problems to God. I just wanted to complain, and now that I have... I feel a little better. Just a little, but better! Thank you!
So I haven't been doing so well on my slim fast plan, however I still seem to be losing weight. Not a ton, but still losing none the less. I started a new exercise program called.. Thirty two days of loven'.
I hear that concemating burns 1,000 calories everytime. So if I added that to slim fast plan, wowzer.
Not only am I losing a little weight, but I also feel better about myself. I feel more attractive, I sleep a little better. (not much) I have something beside going to sleep to look forward to, and my husband is happier which in return, makes our lives more enjoyable! And I have to say, I feel closer and more connected to Greg. I don't seem to be as stressed out, and the more that I actually do it, the more I enjoy it. I used to think about it and then think, I am way too tired, but now then I think about it I go for it!
I just thought that I would share, and maybe you guys would like to try it. Who knew a simple act could be the cause of some many wonderful feelings! Hope every husband is feeling as lucky as mine is about to! :)
I find myself not knowing what to expect from my children. I want them to be children to have fun, and at the same time I want them to act properly and behave. So where is the boundaries. I find that there are a lot of people out there in the world who yell at the kids all of the time. And then say things like, 'He just never listens" Maybe there are too many rules! So he's running around in circles or dumping sand in his hair.. Kids have to have fun. They can't have so many rules. Put yourself in their positions. If you couldn't do anything you wanted ever, wouldn't you break some rules too.
But then there is the flip side. Where parents just let their kids do whatever they want, because it's easier than yelling or getting up to deal with it.
Parenting is by far the most difficult job there is. You never know what's right and wrong. You don't get to see the finished product until it is too late to do anything about it. The only thing you can do is your best, listen to advice, apply it, and remeber that there is ALWAYS room for improvement. There is no such thing as the perfect parent. and just because you are doning something wrong doesn't make you a bad parnt, as long as you are willing to correct and learn. If you think your kid is brat chances are everyone else does too. And they probablty have for awhile.
The most important thing is making sure they know that you love them, that you will protect them, and always back them up. Cherish them, they shouldn't be a burden, they were a gift! Have fun with them. Never be too grown up to have a good time! Sometimes Noah and I shove pillows up our shirts and run into each other, like sumo wrestlers. Or the other day we all got on a crib mattress and slid down the stairs. We dance silly, even in the grocery store, and no matter what we are doing I take the time to hug him, if that's what he wants. Now I know that not every body is as weird as I am, but I take the time to actually hang out with my kids, everyday. And by all means I am not perfect. I neglect my house work. I let Noah watch way too much t.v. Some days all we eat all day are potato chips and cereal. I let Noah where his snow boots to school with shorts, ( or his cowboy boots these days.) But I love him, and I nurture the person he is. I try hard not to push him to be anything but who he is, I will spend all day hugging him if i could, and listening to him laugh makes my heart melt. I take time out of each day to play with just Mylee so she know she is special too. My kids are spoiled, and I still carry Noah, because Its a way to sneak in some hugs. I guess I am trying to say, have fun, and love your kids. Be amazed in every way by them. Slide down the stairs, dance with your arms flapping, enjoy every moment!
So Miss Mylee... What can I say? She was born on Dec. 10, 2007, so she is fairly new, however, the minute she was born I felt connected, which I can't honestly say for Noah. I felt like our souls have been connected for millions of past lives! I recognized her immediately. From day one she was an eater! A half an hour after birth she ate two ounces of formula, and never slowed down! She was always clam and relaxed. At first she didn't really like to be held, and just after three weeks she started sleeping through the night!
Now she crawls and cruises and just yesterday she stood up on her own, twice! She loves to sing and dance, and she always has a smile! I imagine that the more she's able to actually say, she will love to tell stories. She is smart, and silly. I can't imagine a dull moment together!
I love my little sweet face.
First let me just explain that all I have been thinking about lately is.... "Marital relations." Day and night. I seem to be obsessed with it, which is extremely odd, since a week ago I would do whatever it took to avoid it! So last night my mother took the kids over night. (The first time since we had kids, other than our wedding night.) We walked down town, and then to the Monroe. The night was gorgeous, and just being together without all of the noise and whining, was so calming and a little romantic feeling. A good friend called and asked if we wanted to go to the bar. Greg really did, so off we went... We get home around two o'clock, get in bed, and I 'm ready!!! But then I make the mistake of going to the bathroom. I get back and Greg is out cold. I tried everything to wake him, but it wasn't going to happen. I go to sleep and think well maybe tomorrow... First thing I do when I open my eyes is wake Greg up to be "active" with me, and it's great. Then Greg's dad calls and says he wants to take Noah for a little bit, and buy him cowboy boots, (which is another story of its own) and to take him to see some horses. So off we go to pick the kids up from my mom's and take Noah to his dad's. We drop Noah off and go home. We put the baby to sleep and take part in some "romance." Dead smack in the middle, Big Greg, (Greg's Dad) and Noah come walking through the door and up the stairs where we were consamating our marriage. That's right we were totally busted. Twenty six years old, married with two kids, and Greg's dad busts us... Does it get more hilarious than that? I don't think so! LOVE IT!!!!!
