Who am I?

Of course, this will be an introduction post, probably more formal then funny.. Sorry! I am a stay at home mom (I use the term"stay at home" term very loosely) to two amazing children! They are absolutely the best things that have ever happened to me. They bring more joy and love to my life than I ever thought possible! I am lucky enough to have a wonderful husband who works extra hard to provide us with what we need, and most of the time the things we want, while I get to spend lots of time with the kiddos... Of course as I write this I realize you are thinking. Get real, isn't nice that her life is so great.. Well it's not. I just want to make sure that I express my grattitude before getting too honest.

Earlier today while talking to an old friend on the phone, while unballing crusty sucks in front of the washing machine, I was asked if I was happy with my life... That question took me back a second, I had to think about it. I mean have I real thoguht about if m life actually made me happy? I know it makes me busy, stressed, loved, concerned, angry, sad, and so many other things, but happy? I wouldn't change it for anything... I have so many great things... but happy... After lots of grunting a somewhat answer, I stopped, and realized that yes, I am happy in my life.. Thank God!

As stated earlier, at least I think I stated it, my children are my life! Sweet Face is 5 years old. He has a speech/language disorder. He is in Kindergarten with seven other kids with the same problem. Some stemming from Autism, or Mr but all the same disorder. Sweet Face as of today, only has the diagnosis of Speech/ language disorder. We searched for years for more answers and that's all we ever end up with. But don't worry we (and by we, I mean me) are still searching! But dumb he is not. This disorder doesn't get in his way that much. Sweet face is so smart that he has taught himself a special way to learn things that completely works for him! Upon meeting him, the language disorder doesn't even seem like an issue, because he is the kindest, most loveing child in the world. He is generous and empathetic. Sometimes I think he can actually feel others emotions. He super cool, and loads of fun. He tells great stories, and when he smiles his eyes have a crazy sparkle, that I am sure could make anyone smile. His amazingness is infectious!

Now Peanut on the other hand, is the smartest kid I have EVER seen, and I have aided in raising many a child! She is scarey smart. She is not far from outsmarting me, for sure, and has already outsmarted her dad, Not As Good! But on top of being crazy smart, she beaustiful, silly, and really funny,. She has an amazing sense of humor! But she is a diva, and lots of times other kids don't want to play with her, but she is more sensiitive than she gets credit for. She is loving, and has one of the biggest hearts... She falls in second only to her Aunt, my sister Bear! Hopefully, it doesn't get her in trouble!

I have many great people in my life, but more people who bring too much drama, but yes, I am happy about my life. And I truly believe that without God, I would have nothing! So as an introduction of myslef, I didn't really give you anything, but a description of my life, but I think after a few more entries, it will become very clear who I am , or atleast the kind of person I am!

I really hope reading this is as enjoyable as writing it will be! Thanks so much for taking a little time to start!

Back again

Back to blogging, or so it may seem. I have come to a point where I am almost completely satisfied with my personal life. I ahve this great husband and two amazing kids and the most adorable little sister inlaw. In the past year I have made some pretty amazing and lucky discoveries. A twenty four year old cousin I never knew existed, found on facebook, and I got to be the person to introduce her to her father for the first time. I have gotten to dee two babies be born into this world, a beautiful treat. I particapated and planned a wedding for my wonderful niece. And more recently discovered a sister I didn't know I had.

I find myself regretting not taking these moments and savoring them. I rushed through to fast, just trying to get them over with. Not appreciating how unique and great they were, and that I was lucky enough to be a part of.

Last night my (not so) baby boy lost his first baby tooth. I was proud and excited and called everyone we knew that would be awake to tell them the news. We put it in an envelope addressed to the tooth fairy, just in case she wasn't sure if it was for her. As layed on Greg's chest I suddenly felt a gush of melencholy. Noah is growing up so fast. Just since May we have had preschool graduation, Kindergarten registration, baseball, hockey, loss of first tooth, and so many more. I feel like I lossed the last five years.

It is said that when looking back on our lives it isn't the cleanliness of the home or the value of posessions that is regretted, but moments lossed with loved ones and children. Not taking the time to appreciate the now. While the last five, seven, ten years were happening, I thought I was truley enjoying each moment, but looking back I have realized just how much time was lost due to self loathing and complaining and just not holding on to each individual moment.

Is there time to make up for it now? Can we get those missing pieces of ourselves back? I'm not sure. I am not even sure how to really take in a memory, how to hold onto it! What I do know is that, I am going to start taking more time out for hugs, and kisses. I am going to turn the T.V. off and the radio up and dance more often. I want to go outside on all of the nice days, even if the house is a mess. I'm going to take my time and look around. I am going to capture every moment I can. I will take more photos, and smile and laugh more. I want to really LIVE. I want to do the things I always wanted to do. I want to look back on my life and have very few regrets. I want to be able to tell stories and give great advice to my grandkids, because I did it that way, not because the way I lived didn't work! I have never been so excited!

Life

Monday morning I drive my little man to school, meet up with my fantastic friend Fawn at the mall, and go shopping for an outfit for a wedding this weekend. After two hours of searching and trying things on, which I hate, we finally found something. Then we bought the cutest shoes and necklace to go with the dress... I get in my car, pick Noah up from school and start driving. Because it was so beautiful Monday I told Noah we could go to the park for an hour, so I turn onto Duffy Rd. As I wait at the stop light beside Walgreens I remember thinking how lucky I am to have such a nice life. Though things rarely ever go my way I do have some pretty amazing things. The light turns green and I start to make a left hand turn and I hear "chug, chug, chug, chug, chug" I panic and pull over in the verizon parking lot, open my car door, and see that my tire is completely flat!
Of course I shut my cell phone off and didn't have any change... Even if there was a pay phone anywhere. So instead of being the emotional mess I usually am, I packed up the things I needed, pulled out the stroller, and got the kids ready for the walk of there lives. Noah cried for fifteen minutes because we were leaving the car and he didn't understand why... I then had to carry him on my back as I pushed Mylee's stroller. Then while I am behind Rey Azteca, a mexican man starts following me and yelling things at me in Spanish... I finally get to the crossing of New Castle and Noah tries to stop in the middle of the road. Paniced I yell at him and only make matters worse. For you who knoe Noah you know that he is very sensitive and yelling isn't the way to get him to do anything. He just shuts down. So I had to drag him on my leg while trying to run across New Castle St. We finally make it and after a lengthy hug, Noah and I had made amends and walked to Greg's grandma's apartment which conveniantly located across the street from Alameda Park. Of course she's not home so we go to the park and play. I call Greg using my debit card, and tell him what is going on. We play for two hours and decide to see if Greg's grandma is home yet. She's not so we sit down for minute at the bus stop, and a bus comes... SO we get on it. GOd sends you help, you take it. So we are half way there and Noah starts squirming. He has to go to the potty. The squirming gets worse and he is almost in tears. IAs I , and the rest of the patrons on the bus comfort and route Noah on to keep holding, Mylee is trying to climb my face and screaming! Wonderful. So we get to the bus station and run to the bathroom and NOah gets sweet relief. I chechk the bus schedule to see what time the next bus comes, and we have to wait a half of an hour.... Wjhat am I going to do with a four year old and a one year old for a half of an hour, so we decide to walk home...Yes that means walking up Cebter Ave. hill... YIKES! Because Noah does so well, I decide to reward him with a donut, and we start up the hill. The whole way up, he's crying, "I'm tired Mom MOM" "Please hugg-ed me" "please Mom mom" SO we finally get to the top of the hillafter abou tan hour, and we see the house! VICTORY. We walk in the door, and Noah turns around and he has peed his pants! What a day!
The point of the story is during the majority of theis very long day... I tried hard to keep my cool! God was truley walk ing with us on Monday. He kept me calm, and Noah strong, So thank you Lord, for never letting me down! And for sending the bus at the right time! That was awesome!

Finally Poopie

Finally we got some poopy from Mylee.... It had been an entire week since Mylee had a bowel movement. Despite the suppository, the miralax, pedia lax and tons of plum juice and baby prunes she couldn't go. I took her to the doctor Monday morning and much to my surprise I walk in to find out Mylee and Noah's insurance has been cancelled. BEAUTIFUL!!! After a few uncontrollable tears the nurse at Dr Selvaraj's office gave me a few pointers. No apples or bananas, and Miralax for three days as well as white group juice and pear juice... Today was day three and it wasn't looking promising.. untill abou tfive o'clock, and Mylee had one of the biggest... you know what.... I have ever seen. It must have been her blockage because I haven't seen anyone poop so much. It's been diahrea city! But she is a great mood now and seems to feel so much better. Poor little girl! But thank GOD that she is feeling better! We love Miralax!! YAY!!

Poor little bummies

So Mylee has a slight comstipation problem, and by slight I mean big problem. She has these tiny, and I mean tiny little poops several times a day, (and it is never enough) then gets diaper rash, from the constant wiping. We have tried just about evrything to make her sore bum better, but everything has failed. We have put cornstarch to A & D ointment, Butt paste, all sorts of things. So I am at the store yesterday or tThursday or sometime and I was walking through the aisle at Target that has all of the Burt's Bees products. (We are slowly converting to ALL green products) And notice a diaper rash cream. Now don't get me wrong, it was pretty expensive, but I bought it anyways, (it was also on clearance) Came home and used it right away. Although her precious little tushy wasn't 100%, the next morning it looked fabulously better! And the product is all natural. AMAZING!!!! It doesn't use as much as the other creams we've used because its thicker and gives Mylee a little aroma of chamomile, which keeps me a little calmer. I'm never going back. I'll use it for life. The ingredients are: sweet almond oil, zinc oxide, beeswax, lavandin, hybrida oil, jojoba oil, chamomile flower extract, calundela flower extract, lavendar oil, tocophrel, canola oil, rosmary leaf extract, and soybean oil. It is not tested on animals, the package is made of 38% recycled plastics and can be recycled again. I beleive that it is gluten free, for any kids with celiac disease and it smells great! so if aanyone is having bottom problems I highly recommend this product... So go now, soft tushies all around!

My sister

Well I guess I didn't do it right, and I can't figure it out. I guess a career with computers is out of the queswtion. It's crazy cause my sister is amazing at computers. Well actually she is pretty much amazing at everything she does. I have never seen anyone like her. SHe can do anything and she has this way of making things happen for her. She can play any instrument. (Maybe not the violin, but I'm not sure she has tried) And she can play them well. She's artistic and creative. She sews, she can create web pages and what not. She is kind and gentle, forgiving. She's not judging. She accepts people for the way they are. In a lot of ways she is like a child. She gets angry quickly, but can let it go just as fast. She loves with all of her heart wether its practical or not. Sure she has made some mistakes but she tries hard to correct them. That's more than I can saay about a lot of people. She's an inspiration really. I mean, I can't make anything happen.
Sarah and I didn't spend alot of time getting along through out our lives. We were always too different, and I am always too judgemental. My biggest fault, I think. Honestly I don't think I ever did anything to even make her like me, and yet she forgives me and loves me time and again. We completely different. We always have been, and I guess I let that get into the way of any positive relationship sisters can have. I accept that for the most part if not all of the part that our lack of relationship os my fault. For not loveing and accepting her for who she is. For trying to change her into what I think is right. Foro not remembering that everyone is different and there are plenty of people who judge me just as harshly as I have been judging her. For only seeing her faults and not all of the amazing things about her! Its my fault! And she is amazing.
She still doesn't do things the way I think she should, but I am sure there are lots of things I do that she thinks should be different, and she is always there for me. Through thick and thin. SHe is truley a beautiful person. So here is what I ask of all of you! No matter who it is, take the time to find out a little about that person you should appreciate more. THe person you spend too much time judging and not enough loving. Learn to appreciate all of the great things about that person, and remember them every time you think something negative. You could be missing out on knowing a great person. Maybe one of the best in your life. Take a chance and open your heart, and if you know Sarah. Taske some time to learn about her. SHe might be a little different, but who isn't. I'm sure if you take the time to really get to know her, you'll be amazed as well! She's a great person, and I am lucky to know her let alone have her as a sister. I just wish it didn't take me twenty five years to figure it out! I also wisah she knew this blog existed... Maybe I'll let her in on it!

Captured by Kate

These are a few of my favorite photos That were Captured by my friend Kaytee. She came over and hung out for awhile while Noah didn't cooperate and still managed to get some good photos. She's amazingly talented and fair in price. I suggest hiring her! Hope you enjoy these as much as I have!... I hope I did this right

Black Friday

This is probably going to sound crazy... Well of course it would, it is coming from me. I often say things that sounds crazy. Black Friday is coming and there are such amazing deals hitting the stores. Just at Walmart alone a bajillion things I need and want are there for amazingly low prices. I would love to get up at three in the morning and go shopping, but.... I am petrified of all the crazy people. I hate when people are mean to me, I will probably cry. That's right... I am crazy, but whatever. So if anyone has any tips, or wants to come with me and protect me, please let me know! Thanks!

So....

So... Obama won... I am not sure if this is a victory or defeat for our nation. I will say, that since I layed my eyes on Barack Obama I knew that he was destined to be our president. What this means for our country, I am not sure. I think that its great that we as a nation created history last night, but was he the better choice? I shouldn't have much of an opinion since I, myself didn't vote. Why you ask. Well it's simply because I was so unsure. Not just a little unsure, but I was completely undecided. I guess it doesn't really matter now, so Congratulations to all those who voted for Obama and supported him. And I am sorry for the McCain lovers. I hope this means greatness for our country! Good luck to us!

call

I lost my phone. It is somewhere in my house, but I can't seem to find it. The last I remember having was on the kitchen counter, and now it is gone... maybe forever. I feel like I am totally lost from the world. And I need to make a bunch of calls, like I have to get Noah in to see a dentist, and I would like to call my mother and see how she is feeling. Not to mention, if someone has called me I would never know. Hopefully nothing tragic happens....
So if you can't get a hold of me, I am not missing, or dead or even avoiding calls, i just can't find my phone... Beautiful

Transitioning....

I have to say, going from stay at home mom, to working mom is quite a change... And its hard. I still have to do all of the stay at home chores, but in less amount of time. I will say that I lost a lot of weight. I don't seem to get a lot of time to just sit down... And my patience for children is very thin. Part of me just wants to quit, but the extra money is beautiful, and my cousin really needs me... If things don't get easier, for ma and the kids, we are going to quit. The aren't adjusting as well as I had hoped, but we'll give them a little longer.... We'll see

Saving

I have recently decided that we need to start saving money. Greg has always been the soul provider for our family and if something were to happen... well we wouldn't have anything.... Not to mention with economy going the way it is, Greg's job may not secure! I mean come on if no one has money. no one is going to be paying anyone to build stuff. So I got a job, it doesn't pay much and I feel like I am barely there, but we'll put most of that money aways to save. But every week I take twenty five dollars out of Greg's check every week. But saving money no matter how little os harder than I thought. First of all, I have a serious shopping problem. If I know that there is money, I spend it. But twenty five dollars isn't really that much. If I save twenty for dollars for a year, that is barely hitting over 1,000 dollars. That's not even a months worth of pay. So hopefully nothing happens to Greg for like five years! Then we might have enough for two months! Anyway I just wanted to express my money frustrations... Well future frustrations. Thanks and I hope everyone else has a better time saving money than I...

Two more days!

Two more days until Halloween.... Yet I'm not really that excited. Noah's costumes aren't really that great. I think tonight we are going to go to Kmart and I am going to let him pick a new one... Unless of course he wants to be Shrek! But I can't imagine that he is going to wear that mask the who;e time, and its too hot for his skunk costume. His puppy one still fits, but its lame.... So to Kmart it is where all costumes are 50% off... Yay for sales! I'm going to be a banana, and Mylee will be a bumble bee. It will keep her warm! Good story... Goodbye

Sickies

My darling little baby, is oh so sick. She woke up around eight o'clock this morning, after going to bed at six thirty last night. She came down stairs and layed on my chest. After drinking some water she went up stairs and layed beside her crib. At nine thirty she went back to sleep. It is now 1:15 and she is still sleeping. I wish there was something I could do for her. She has a bad cough and a low fever. There isn't really anything to do, but I still feel bad. I don't like to be sick, but I suppose its nice to get all of the sleep needed. I don't get to do that! Hopefully she will feel better by tomorrow! Can't call off again!

So close to you
And still so far
Wanting your thoughts
Screaming for words
Small hints
Yet not a clue
Tomorrow nears
And I'm still ost
My soul tortured
Heart empty
Wishing for your love
Praying for your touch
Tomorrow's promises broken
Another lonely day
Getting over you
Being without me

Cuteness

My very good friend Erin hand makes some of the cutest hats I have ever seen. She is ultra talented and amazing! I totally think it is worth checking and she does custom orders if you don't find what you are looking for. You should check out her website. I know you will love it as much as I do! Her website is OliveRoseMaximim's.etsy.com.

Like a single raindrop
Resting on a petal
The purple haze
From a spring sunset
I feel beautiful
Beautiful
Because of the way he looks at me
Beautiful
With every touch I feel
Beautiful
With every tingle
Like a child's first step
Into his mother's arms
Every kiss
Amazing as the first
And I still feel beautiful

Stories and blogging

For as long as I can remember, without any exaggerating, I wanted to be a writer. From the time I could put sentences to together I've written short stories, and poems, a journal, and even stabbed at a few novels. I love to write, and to read. Words were my life. Paper... Oh the wonder of it. I could look at a blank piece of paper and feel excited for what was about to come. I love to think of things to say, to write them down, to go over it and write it in a better way, and then I became a mother. Slowly I lost my self, and everything that made me me, in being a mother. I spent so much time trying to be a good mom and wife, that I no longer was me. I could remember what it was like to be me, but that's all it really was... a faint memory. And with that loss, I also lost my inspiration, almost my ability to write. I'd take a stab at it every so often, but always felt like there was so much room for improvement. I had nothing to say. Or should I say, I lost my abilty to find the right words. I felt like a stranger to my words.
Then I began to blog, and though I don't write that often, or even that well, it makes me feel a little better. I'm starting to get into the swing of things. I've read two books. I've written a few things, I'm starting to feel like, maybe if I try a little harder I might be able to make my dream of being a writer a realty. So I thank you to my faithful blog readers.... (Erin, Cassie, and Fawn) For letting me clumsly write down dumb stuff! You are the best!

Birthing

March 28, 2005. Thirty pounds heavier, three days over due, and ankles that were ready to pop, I opened the front door to the building that holds my future in the palm of its hands, and wobbled down the hall. Pressing the buttons on the rattling elevator, I began sweating in agony. I just wanted it to be over, to regain my life, my body, my mind. I just wanted to move on with my life, and get back to being normal. `
When they called my name I couldn't help but wish that they would tell me today would be the day. Of course I knew that it was wishful thinking, but who could blame a girl. After I stood on the scale with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat, wondering how someone with a size five figure could almost weigh two hundred pounds after nine months, the midwife rudely asks, "Did the nurse step n the scale with you?" Horrified I let this woman proceed to check my cervix for dilation, and go on about how much weight I've gained and how bloated I am. I then find out that I have toxemia....
Soon the midwife finishes insulting me and asks me if there is any reason I should go home. Not being able to think of anything other than the giant love card I was making for my boyfriend, I said. "No." "Then let's have this baby!"
Hearing those words was like every Christmas, birthday, Halloween, first kiss, and bear hugs all in one. Only better. Finally this baby was coming out. All of the fears of child birth I had previously had disappeared, now all I felt was excitement. I couldn't wait to meet my son, I couldn't wait to not Be pregnant, I couldn't wait to start my family with the love of my life.
I registered and waited for Greg. Eating my last meal until after birth, I remembered how horrible this was about to be. All I wanted now was to go back ten months and tell myself not to be so stupid. I mean I spent twenty two years not getting pregnant was I so ignorant this year? I'm not ready to be a mom. I can't even take care of myself. I am selfish, and I like it. I had no desire to improve myself, I was happy with the person I was, prior to conceiving.I began to realize how bad of an idea it really was for two people who just started adulthood, to have a baby. But it was to late. What could I do about it now... "Would someone please give me a Valium and a sleeping pill"
Of course I couldn't have a Valium, however I could have some cerviadil, to thin out my cervix, and a sleeping pill. Three o'clock in the morning I began to get this weird cramps. I just kept thinking if I could pass gas at least once, my stomach would feel so much better. And enters the nurse. "Looks like you are having some good ones" "Good what?" I replied. "Contractions" The next thing I know I am flipped on my side and getting a shot in my ass... Apparently passing out immediately, I wake up to Greg's alarm clock and tell him to go to work. After all the doctor said it would probably be hours before I gave birth. Them again she told me that it was unlikely that i would go into labor on my own, without pitocin, but what did I know, i was just having a baby, she's delivered hundreds.
My mother and father stayed with me, while my contractions grew. Around ten thirty Susan baker, yet another midwife, sending my parents away, decided to break my water. With no warning aside from, "you'll feel gushing fluid" I most certainly did feel a gush of fluid, but unaware that it would be so warm it almost burnt. Alarmed I asked if it should feel that way, and of course as they laughed at me under there breathe I was told that everything was alright and asked if I wanted to use the hot tub.
I layed in the hot tub in a hospital gown. Jets blowing against my back and sides. With every growing contraction the sound of voices made me sick to my stomach. Daddy wouldn't come in; thinking he would have to see me naked, but for the first time in my life, I really needed and wanted his support. So with fear in his eyes then relief on his face after discovering I was with apparel, he came in and kept me company with my mom. Contractions came and went, grasping the side rails I decided to beach myself. After all, I was hungry, nauseous, in pain, tired, and now hot. I was ready to go lay down. My parents went outside to have cigarettes, because apparently my labor was stressing them out! Walking down the hall with strong contractions every two minutes took me about a half an hour.
When I finally got to my room, the nurse asked if I wanted something to ease the pain. I was under the impression that this would get worse and last awhile so I said no. But the next thing I remember my head was feeling heavy and I felt like I drank three bottles of whiskey. At first I thought it was cool, but after my next contraction I just wanted to throw up and have someone turn it off.
Eleven o'clock came and the nurses informed me that if I wanted the babies dad to be there for the birth I had better give him a call? What? They told me I had at least twenty four hours, we need that money. But I did as I was told, and soon after began to prep for an epidural.
Ahhh, epidurals. What a heavenly aide. I know that many women out there give birth and never even think of having drugs, but I am no hero, why do it if you don't have to.
The epidural was in and not really knowing what to expect, (I lied and said I read the paper saying what to expect, I knew if I read it I would chicken out) I layed back, and prepared to see my contractions and not feel them... Well, the contraction came, and of course, because this is the life of Liz, I felt nothing..... On the left side of my body. On the right I felt everything. I rang for the nurse and asked if that was normal. "No!!! (you moron, she implied)" It wasn't.
I asked why this had happened. It was explained to me that it couldn't have been the anesthesiologists fault, it had to be because my back is crooked, but they would soon correct my mistake! The man with the needle came back in my room to adjust. After pulling it out, he had to re due the hole procedure again. Feeling pretty good due to my stadal, I preceded to hit on the man. I told him he was good looking and asked if he was married, and then glancing to my right, MY man walked int o the room. To drugged up to feel embarrassed I told Greg, I was hitting on the anesthesiologists, he smiled and laughed nervously. (I don't think he believed me)
Everyone, my mom, my dad, my mom's friend, and my sister came back into the room.The nurse checked my cervix and told me I was dilated to a six.Completely exhausted I looked up at my mommy and smiled. Closing my eyes I drifted into what would be the last peaceful moment of my life, for years to come. Twenty minutes later at about 2:45 p.m. I woke up. I felt this weird urge... Not exactly and urge, but like my vagina was already working to get this baby out, without my knowledge or permission. I called for the nurse and she came in, unwilling to believe that I was already at a ten when twenty minutes ago I was a six.
As nurse Sharon's head peaked up,from out of my legs, I gasped noticing the blood on her hands. I was indeed a ten, well technically a 9.75. I was informed that if I tried to push now I would be there for hours, so to hang tight and the midwife would be sure to come. As the nurse started to leave I began to ring the bell. This baby was coming with or without their help, and I didn't seem to have any control over it. They got the room ready immediately and the midwife showed up.
The next twenty minutes were a blurr. I remember them telling me to push and as I would push everyone kept saying, "That's it. That's it" Leaving me with the impression that I got the enormous head that felt like it was going to tear me apart out of my vaginal walls. That was not the case. Upon hearing the news that I wasn't even close to finished, I yelled, "Then everyone needs to shut the fuck up!" Then Greg did it. He rubbed the leg he was holding at my head, with his thumb. I though his touch was going to make me vomit. I looked at him with red eyes and a green face, "Don't touch me" Searching for the barf bucket, my retarded baby's dad moved again, he dropped my leg, and all I heard was my mother's very powerful voice, yell sternly, "pick up her leg you retard." (Poor Greg didn't have a chance)
As I finally pushed the last few pushes, and yelling, "Get this baby out of me NOW" He plopped right out. Greg looked down and said, "Oh my God" He was here. Our baby boy.
Here's the part where every mother says things like, "They put my amazing gift on my belly and I cried with joy. My heart was immediately filled with love as I looked at my beautiful baby boy. From that moment I felt an internal instinct and loved him so much" Well I am not every mother. That just wasn't the case for me. They put my baby on my belly all wrinkled and covered in mung. His eyes were huge and wide open and they were as black as night. His nose was swollen and crooked, It looked huge. He was purple and had virtually no fat on his entire body. He was not beautiful and I did not feel a connection. I did cry but I was glad it was over. I will say that I loved him, I just wasn't connected.
They took him away and told I could see him after I get to my room. After kicking everyone out, I got cleaned up. I took a shower and put on my "after birth" diaper, and went to my room. My legs were swollen, my cankles were sore, and my feet were so big that my once slender long toes, looked like little fat sausages. The pediatrician came into the room were me and our family were waiting to see the new life that scared the crap out of me, and told us that we couldn't see him, because he had to be on oxygen, due to extra fluid in his lungs. But the father and the grandparents could go see him. I had to wait for the epidural to be taken out of my back before I could go anywhere!
The next three days were long. I wanted my baby, but appreciated the rest I was getting. When I finally got to hold Noah I cried. I felt so many emotions.. I felt scared, nervous, I didn't even know this kid, but was supposed to feel connected. And so the guilt began.
I later found out that I had a severe case of post partum depression. And a month or two later I began to adore Noah. But it was a rough couple before I did... And that note I will leave with the understanding that I still adore Noah, he's my light. My once in a lifetime. I feel so connected now. And I will write about my fight against the post partum depression, but I would like to leave this as his birth and nothing more!

Blah

I get so tired of things being hard. So tired of life really. Why does every decision have to have so many options. Why can't things ever be simple. Today, I am tired. Tired of drama, tired of decisions, tired of arguments and difficult relationships, (I'm not talking about me and Greg for the record) Tired of people back stabbing one another, tired of people not caring for their children the way they should, tired of denial, tired of lies, of conflict.
Is there ever a point in life when things just happen? Are some people's lives just meant to be rough? What lesson are we supposed to learn and why doesn't life come with some sort of manual... I guess it does. The bible. Aren't we suppose to turn to prayer? Why doesn't God give neon signs that flash big pink lights? I am always questioning my choices. How do you ever know what is right?
Tired if that thought, tired of no real answers... I am even tired of spongebob. Tired of monotony. Tired of low self esteem, tired of the whole bit. BLAH!